You'll forgive me for being so blaaaaahhh lately. It's been in the 100s every day this week, and it's supposedly autumn. Plus, the breach in the threadbare inner-thigh-area of my last pair of jeans finally gave way on Saturday, and I was forced to call in reinforcements. The trek to the fat lady store at the mall was one I most definitely did not enjoy. Not only that, but since I was in dire straits, I didn't have time to wait for a sale, so I had to pay full stinkin' price for fat jeans, and that's NEVER a happy thing. Why do they build fat jeans with low-rise waists, anyway? WHY? And lycra? Why would I want lycra in my jeans? It's not like I WANT the whole world to be able to see how the jeans are having to stretch with all their might across the vast expanse that is my butt, thank you very much.
I've been in a mood lately, it hasn't been a pretty one. I haven't been able to pinpoint why, but I've felt frustrated, unfulfilled, and at odds with people that I love. Normally energetic, I've been lathargic and apathetic. I'm behind my deadline on three jobs, but I haven't cared enough to do much about it. I haven't scrapped my own photos in weeks. I'm not doing my Bible Study homework, and I don't even care. I don't log on to IM much, 'cause mostly I don't feel like chatting, even though it's something I used to enjoy immensely. In the mornings, the boys have to actually beg for breakfast before I finally shuffle in and slap some peanut butter on toast for them. When they want a drink, I can't even bother to get up and get it. "Bring me your cup and the juice," I say. They don't even ask anymore... they just bring me the necessary items when they're thirsty. My used-to-be 24/7 libido has vanished. I hate to go to bed, but then I hate to get up in the mornings. I've noticed that I don't open the curtains anymore, and I often don't get dressed unless I'm expecting company. Last week, I actually drove to pick up Dani from school in a ratty gown with a pair of sweats underneath...no bra. (!!!!!) The boys were in the backseat in their underwear. At church, sometimes I can't bring myself to sing. At home, I can't stand for there to be noise. I don't want the TV on, or the radio. I get pissed when the phone rings. When the mail comes crashing through the mail slot in the front door, I sit and stare at it, but I can't muster up the energy to walk the 20 feet to see what came. I haven't sent thank you notes for scrapbook ministry donations in a long time. I can't be bothered to answer emails, even from people offering to send me scrapbook supplies, and even from friends I enjoy hearing from, and even from my sister-in-law who wants to know what I want for Christmas. I'm either hot or cold with the kids... either they're making me so crazy that I scream at them to get out of the room, or I ignore them completely.
Are you afraid?
Are you surprised?
I've been hiding it pretty well.
The golf-ball-sized lump on my neck (enlarged thyroid... "goiter"... OH how I hate that word) is now closer to the size of a tennis ball. I haven't taken my Synthroid. A prescription of 30 pills, prescribed and filled November 4th of last year, still has 9 pills in it. Tonight, I took one. Tomorrow, I will take another. Thursday, I will take another. I was first diagnosed with this disorder 3 years ago. I've never treated it, despite my doctor lecturing me, despite Darren begging me, despite my friends nagging me.
And now it's come to this. I'm tired of pretending that the white elephant in this room isn't here. I'm sick, and I'm only gonna get sicker if I don't start being proactive about it. I can be well if I'll only take the pills. Why is that so bleepin' HARD for me to do??? I know the answer, but it's not one I wish to put in black and white.
I want to be normal again, I do. I want to be FUN again. I want to enjoy my kids, not just tolerate them. I want to feel like showering and getting dressed and actually putting on make-up. I want to enjoy my work again, and I want to sing again. When I get invited some place, I want to WANT to go. I want to pull myself up by the bootstraps and be me again. Tonight was the turning point. In the space of 6 hours, I saw me for who I have become, saw how to correct the path, and saw who I want to be. I'll start by taking the stupid Synthroid.
And besides...if I don't, Kristi said she won't feel sorry for me when I have a cantelope hanging off my neck. That was advice worth listening to.