Thursday, September 08, 2005

Turmoil

It's been a week of turmoil.

Turmoil in the Gulf States, where thousands of families are mourning unimaginable loss.

Turmoil in the marriage of two people I love with all my heart.

Turmoil among some of my closest friends as we all bring to the surface tensions that have been lurking in shallow waters for far too long.

Turmoil in my heart as I've stepped out and started saying what I mean and meaning what I say. That's a scary thing.

Generally, I'm a wimp. I hold back for fear of causing hurt or anger. I go along and get along. I don't know if the Katrina catastrophe brought something out of me, or what. But recently, I haven't been holding back. You have a question for me? You're getting a straight answer. You make a comment that hits me wrong? No holds barred. I'm not sure what I think of this new me.

My parents were here for 4 days this weekend. Usually, just prior to a visit from them, I bust my tail cleaning the house. I'd hate for my Mom to know that I don't do the dinner dishes as soon as everyone gets up from the table. And I don't want her to see the dust that collects on my baseboards between visits. Thursday night, I decided, pbbbt. I don't care. I didn't go to great extremes to impress her. It was wonderfully freeing, letting go of that need. And then, over the weekend, I didn't ignore snide comments; I met them head on.

Aidan's Jeckyl and Hyde Phase reared its ugly head when Mom and Dad were here. Darren and I handled it well, I thought, but afterward, Mom said, "You kids would've NEVER acted like that. You knew better. You were good kids." Oh. How I'd have loved to have heard those words when I was a kid! I was always reminded how BAD we were, never encouraged to keep being good. But I digress. I looked my parents straight in the eyes and said, "We weren't GOOD kids. We were SCARED kids." The weekend was different after that. I think they couldn't wait to go home. If they'd had their own car (they came down on the train), I think they'd have left early. But I don't regret saying it. I'm glad I did.

My best friend in the world and I are polar opposites on life's biggest issues: politics and religion. We've always sort of had a mutual understanding that we just don't discuss those topics with each other, and if we do, we treat the subjects with kid gloves. But recently, we tossed the gloves and came out swinging. Maybe it's the turmoil in the world that's bringing it out of us. I don't know.

I've been in so much internal turmoil that I haven't blogged in a week. And now I have so much to say, I hardly know where to begin.

1 comment:

brittani said...

YOU GO AUNT STACY! LOL! WELL I HAVE BEEN READING YOUR BLOG ALOT NOW. AND IT FEELS GOOD TO FIND OUT WHAT IS GOING ON UP THERE. U REALLY TOLD YOUR MOMMA AND I THINK SHE WAS SCAIRED OF U . BUT WHERE U SAD AFTER U FINALLY TOLD HER YOUR TRUE FEELINGS? WELL I LOVE U AND I INJOY READIND YOUR BLOG. LOVE U LOTS, BRIT