Friday, September 09, 2005

SUCKER!!!

(door bell rings)

Salesman: Hello, Ma'am. Do you like steak?
Me: Uh, yah.

Well, then. If I may take just a minute of your time, I have these high-quality steaks from Cattlemen's that I'd like to show you.

(stepping back and closing door) No thank you.

Wait! You said you like steak.

I do, but I don't buy from door-to-door solicitors.

If you'll just give me a minute, Ma'am. No pressure. (Opening box of meat) I just want to show you our product, and give you a brochure.

I'll be happy to take a brochure, but I'm not making a purchase today.

I understand that, Ma'am. These here are our finest Ribeyes. You'll get six of 'em. Aren't they purty?

Well, yes, they do look good. BUt I'm not buying. (closing door again)

Ma'am! Just look at these 10 bacon-wrapped filets. These are the only ones you can't cook from frozen.

I'll be happy to take a brochure and look it over, but...

And look at these Delmonico Ribeyes. Some people use 'em for breakfast steak, but they make great fajitas. Oooo-EY! The New York Strips are right here... but my favorites are these large bone-in strips. Then, you'll also get 24 chopped sirloin steaks. Great for burgers.

No thank you.

You eat out, don't you? You enjoy a good steak out?

Well, yah. But not often. Can't afford it.

EXACTLY! You CAN afford to eat steak when you buy it from Cattlemen's! Look at this price... $329 retail for all of this. Now, break it down by portion, and you're lookin' at $5.50 per serving. Cain't get no restuarant steak for THAT price, can ya Ma'am?

No, you can't. But I'm not...

Tell you what. I'll make you a deal. I'll bring that price down to $299. Deal of the century.

Well, sure. It might be a good deal, but I don't have $300 to spend on meat.

We take credit cards.

I don't use credit cards.

We take checks.


You know what? Just 'cause I have $300 in my checking account doesn't mean I can allocate it all for MEAT. Sorry. (start to close door.)

MA'AM! Look. I'll shoot straight with ya. I'm just tryin' to earn my bonus. If I can sell one more case of these steaks, I'll win $100. I promised my wife I could do it. I tell you what. I'll help you out, you help me out. I'll give you the whole case for the cost of the chops, bone-ins and delmonicos.

Er.....I don't have room in my freezer.

They stack like decks of cards, Ma'am. It's a good deal. You're practically robbing me blind. No way could you get this deal in the grocery store, and these here are RESTAURANT quality steaks.

Uh....

You can post date that check.

I'll be right back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

($143 dollars later)
Watching through the window, I pray that my neighbors don't see this dude carrying a case of STEAK from his pickup truck to my front door. Buyer's remorse sets in and it hasn't even been 30 seconds.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(freezer stocked)
I start justifying it. My parents are coming to town. SURELY we'd take them out to eat a couple of times. And that would defintely add up to at least $143. So instead, we'll grill steaks and burgers. Money saved. Ok. I'm alright.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(phone rings)
"Stacy, this is Mecca down the street! I just bought the steaks, too! The guy showed me your check, and I thought, "Well, GEE. If STACY thinks it's legit...."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(phone rings)
"Hey Stace, it's Cara. What're you doing?"
Trying to figure out if I just got scammed by the meat man.
"YOU DID NOT BUY THE STEAKS!"
I did.
"NO! Don't you know that drug addicts sell those things? My BROTHER sold those things!"
Oh. Crap.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Darren comes home, sees meat)
I nonchalantly explain to him that I got the deal of the century, and that he should be proud. I stood there and figured the math in my head, and HONEY, I SAVED US MONEY!

You paid $7 a pound for this stuff, he says. When's the last time you ever paid $7 a pound for MEAT?

7 comments:

Colleen said...

Ah, Stacy...you made me re-live the time I did THE SAME THING! I was a SUCKER too. They came door to door in Colorado too. yup. RESTAURANT QUALITY STEAKS...tougher than tough...they didn't say WHICH restaurant now did they? In fact I changed my mind the next day and called and asked them to come back and pick them up. Never could talk to a REAL person. I called the consumer advocate at the TV station. Actually the FDA or somebody came and examined the steaks and were pursuing a lawsuit against them. Did I ever get my $300 back? Nope. And we ate those crummy steaks forever. Look at it this way. You just paid for an education. Because once you do this you will NEVER do it again. I have a sign next to my doorbell that says "NO SOLICITORS" and I MEAN IT!

Anonymous said...

My brother, Jeff, got hit by one of these salesmen once while I was at his house. He hit me up for splitting it with him - which I did. Then, when his wife got home, he blamed me for it. She's a smart cookie and didn't believe him. :)
- Tara

Sue said...

You are so precious right now, Stacy, so precious! LOL

You poor thing...go fry yourself up a nice juicy steak so's you'll feel better.

Nancy D. said...

Cancel the check.

Postdated? Sucker took it....

O'course it's prolly too late now.....

Seriously. NEXT TIME... give him a postdated check. Take the meat.

Call the bank. Cancel the check. Tell 'em you got RIPPED OFF.

No lie that.....

Cara said...

Sorry Stace, if my brother wasn't a drug addict I would have bought them too. (Just like I bought a ton of no name magazines that I never read.)Keep nagging me and I will always give in. I can soooooo identify with the 15sec buyers remorse! Happens every time!!! I am just sorry I had to be the bearer of bad news.

Cara said...

Sorry Stace, if my brother wasn't a drug addict I would have bought them too. (Just like I bought a ton of no name magazines that I never read.)Keep nagging me and I will always give in. I can soooooo identify with the 15sec buyers remorse! Happens every time!!! I am just sorry I had to be the bearer of bad news.

brittani said...

hehehehehehehehe