Revelation

Darren thinks I'm beautiful, and tells me so all the time. I tell him that he's blinded by love.

But I usually don't get that compliment from other people... and that's what made today so weird.

This morning, as a scrapbook client was looking at a photo of Dani, she said, "Your daughter is beautiful." Then she looked me in the eye and said, "She's the spitting image of you!" I could not respond. I resisted the urge to laugh and say, "Bless her heart!"

Then tonight, I was IMing with a group of close girlfriends, and the topic of my weight came up. One said, "Stacy... there's a difference between being fat and being overweight... You go to great lengths to look fabulous, and you usually DO look fabulous. Seriously. You are a VERY attractive woman. And you may be heavy, but you know how to make yourself look GOOD."

Then another one chimed in with, "Stacy is beautiful..."

Then the third one quipped, "Then there's when she's giving her peeling wall the hairy eyeball.....and that's just plain funny..." (see June 11th entry). And I was so glad that she broke the awkward moment with humor, because I didn't know how (nor did I want) to respond to the first two comments.

It was then that my NEED TO EAT kicked in. Big time. I was not hungry. I foraged for food, but there's nothing snacky in my pantry, because tonight when I was at Target, I purposefully walked past the snack aisle, and resisted the call of the Snickers in the check-out line. It wasn't even difficult. I didn't want any of it. But NOW.... I'm almost willing to get in the car at this crazy hour and drive to the nearest 24-hour Whataburger for a fix. WHY???? I've been thinking about this for MONTHS. Maybe more like years. What are my triggers? Why am I so overweight?

I am quite possibly the busiest, most productive person I know. The most frequent compliment I get (to borrow a quote from Elaine) is, "How do you DO it all??" So you see, I'm not a slug. And yet, I'm fat. I could lose 150 pounds and still be at the high end of my "perfect weight range".

Some of my weight issues are genetic. Some of it can be attributed to my thyroid disorder (which, for reasons I can't explain, I am still not treating). But MOST of my weight issues are in. my. freaking. head. I've known this, but I haven't been able to pinpoint WHY.

And I still don't know why, but it's clear to me tonight that I NEEDED TO STUFF SOMETHING, and that need became overwhelmingly strong at the moment that my friends said those things about me.

And that pisses me off on so many levels. What is my problem?

I think Dani is beautiful (and apparently, so do other people!). If she were to say to me, "No, I'm not," it would break my heart. I'd want to shake her and say, "You silly girl! Of COURSE you are beautiful! From the inside out, and all OVER, you are beautiful!" I'd have a mixture of sadness and anger over her attitude.

I take very literally the fact that God is my (adopted)Father. I believe that He loves me as His child. He has told me so. I am quite sure that my protests and self-destructing behavior bring him sadness and anger. And yet, I do it anyway.

Wow. This is raw and wide-open, and I can't believe I'm BLOGGING about it, of all places. I might wake up tomorrow and realize that this was a HUGE, terrible mistake. I can always delete, right? ;)