Monday, October 09, 2006

word to the mommas

We painted. And painted. All day Saturday (with a crew of 20 or so), most of Sunday afternoon (just a handful of us), and this morning (just 4 of us). We're still not finished. But boy have we had FUN! The building is looking FINE! My camera batteries croaked before I had a chance to take any "after" pics, so those will have to come later. You'll have to trust me, though. It is lookin' GOOOOOOOOD!

And word to the Mommas! Let me tell you what I learned yesterday.

I was sitting on the second level of some scaffolding, painting the lower windows. Kristi was standing on a ladder up on the third level of said scaffolding, painting the 2nd story windows. She asked me to move very carefully, or to warn her, because her ladder went to shaking like Candlestick during the Loma Prieta everytime I moved. So. Instead of getting up off my hind-quarters to move down to the other end of the scaffolding, I decided to schooch across instead. I was being ever so careful. All of a sudden, "YOWWWWWWWIE!" I scooched a whole gaggle of splinters up into my pantiloons. Mercy. That was hurty.

Kristi's 14-year-old son was on the scaffolding with me. I stood up and tried to nonchalantly pull the splinters from my butt. No can do.

"Andrew," I said. "I'm sorry to inform you that I'm about to put my hand down my pants 'cause I just splintered up my bohiney. You might wanna turn around." He did. I stood there, 8 feet up on scaffolding, on the service road of one of the busiest highways in North Texas, and tried to pick splinters out of my backside. I got one. There were more. They were starting to sting. I was in agony.

So I climbed down and demanded of Darren, "Come with me. I need your help."

In the bathroom, I dropped my drawers and stuck my rear out. The splinters were not on my backside. They were on my underside. Imagine with me, if you will. You're sitting on a piece of weathered lumber. Your feet are out in front of you. You scooch along on your butt. What part of your butt, exactly, is making contact with the lumber? Yah. That part. Very private.

"You'll have to bend over more," Darren said. I complied.

"More," he ordered. I complied again.

As I bent, my body did this really weird bellows kind of thing, and all of a sudden, air went whooshing through my intestines and out my blowhole. Right into Darren's face. He yelped and jumped back, disgusted. I laughed, of course. It was an accident, I swear. But it was funnnnnneeeeee.

Brave Darren didn't leave me hanging, though. He braved the elements one more time and plunked a splinter the size of a sapling out of my undercarriage. Yowwwwwieeeeee!

So, word to the mommas. Do not EVER scooch across scaffolding. No. Instead, take however many leaden steps you must, even if it means knocking your best bud off her ladder. Just do it.

Thank goodness Darren was there, though, fo' real, y'all. Otherwise, sweet little Andrew would've been scarred. fo'. LIFE.

Sorry. No pictures. :)


Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh, I could hardly finish reading tonight's blog to my husband and daughter--the tears were pouring down. THAT is funny! I think of your "morning bellows" almost every morning.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for the laugh to start my morning. I think that whatever happens today, it can't be as embarrassing, or as painful, as that. It's all about perspective. :)

Angela in GA said... Thanks for the laugh Stacy. :-)

Anonymous said...

I knew it right when you said you bent over... hahahahaha it is a good thing Darren loves you that much!

Anonymous said...

oh, Stace.....thanks for the laugh this rainy, rainy morning! Now to wipe the coffee off the screen, that I sputtered out when I laughed! Dang, girl, that man LURVES you!

Anonymous said...

sorry, forgot to sign my name....

the coffee is on MY puter.

Kris in TX

Anonymous said...

If I never have to do that again, it will be too soon. :-b

Thanks for helping me re-live that wonderful memory.


Anonymous said...

And just another reason why we'll always think Darren is the ultimate super-husband... Thanks for the laugh this morning.

Valerie (vroberts)

Anonymous said...

And just another reason we all think Darren is the super-husband...

Thanks for the laugh this morning!

Valerie (vroberts)

Anonymous said...

Sorry for the double post. I'm new to this blogger thing. Someone needs to teach me how to do this, so I can make one, too!

Valerie (vroberts)

Anonymous said...

Stace I would have posted a comment a few minutes earlier, but I had to go upstairs to change my pants because I wet myself reading your blog. Then I had to clean the monitor off from the Turkey Hill Iced Tea that I spewed all over it. I was hoping to have a lazy morning, but YOU made me get off my unsplintered behind to do stuff so that I could say "thanks for the laughs".


agent713 said...

Now THAT is love.
Too. Funny!

Anonymous said...

Thanks, Valerie. I don't mind being called "super-husband" twice. :-)


Colleen said...

Seems I don't laugh out loud nearly enough, but I sure did when I read this one! Thanks for the chuckle. Nah, chuckle doesn't describe it very well...Make that GUFFAW! And Darren, you are a great guy, right up there with my DH!

tosin said...

Ummm.... OUCH!!!
I'm clenching just reading this one!

And Darren... you should meet up with my DH sometime to commiserate. He gets no respect either.


Cara said...

Okay, I said that I would have picked splinters for you if Darren had not been there but that was before you mentioned the massive poot IN HIS FACE!!!
The only time that I see people poot in someones face is at work! ALWAYS makes me laugh. I really love when the poor woman is in stirrups and the new little resident doctor has his face reeeaaal close so he can see what he is sewing together and.....POOT right in the nose- mouth region!! LOL!!!! Only takes them once to learn!
Bet it only took Darren once to learn! Next time it will have to be Kristi doing the pickin'since she never reads the blog and I am now the wiser and Darren will disappear or pretend to be stuck in the lift! LOL!!

Martha in CA said...

OMFSM!!! I. am. laughing. so. hard!!!! Tears, even!!

Your blowhole.

Oh my!

I can't stop laughing and wiping away the tears! I'm envisioning Darren with his hair TOTALLY BLOWED BACK!!! Bwhahahahahaha...

Nancy D. said...

I'm sittin' here laughing myself silly and the 11 year old girls ask "what's so funny?" cause SURELY I am insane sitting there laughing at nothin' on the sofa.

"I'm just reading about how my friend Stacy farted in her husband's face..."

Mind you, THEY started laughing at "farted" and probably didn't even here "in her husband's face."

blowhole indeed....

Jenny said...

I don't think I can get it back together, that is a HOOT. Poor Darren, he must really love you!

Thanks for the great laugh.

Veronica in Aus said...

I knew what was coming as soon as you bent over!!

Thanks for the great belly laugh - I think I will be giggling all day long now :)

Anonymous said...

You are so brave to put that our there for the whole world to read. I told Rodney about it, and we both laughed so hard. You are so real Stacy, that's what I love about you. Eri

Noel the Dog said...

My EYES!!! My EYES!!!

What an image. You and your nekked hiney in the bathroom with Darren pickin' a splinter.

I am laughing to hard I am crying!!!!!

Toots ARE funny.

~PPD~ said...

NO you D.I.D N.O.T *Ü*
Saying in the most southern voice I can use, "Darren, bless your heart"!!!!!

Jayce said...

Thanks Stace for the ROTFLMAO. I really needed it today. I am having a very annoying day. Not a bad day, but really annoying. I laughed until I cried. Boy I needed that!! Hope your bottom,umm all of it, it feeling better. Darren must really love you for keeps!!!

Leanne said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Leanne said...

Oh my!!!

I just HAD to blog it.

Love Leanne NZ

Joni-MI said...

OH, are FUNNEEE....Oh, I laughed and laughed and laughed and I think that is just about the funniest story I have EVER HEARD.

I am an old admirer from the days of the stampin' & scrappin' board and found you again on the bloggin' net recently and am so happy to read your blog every day.

This was a good piece of humorous writing and I wanted to say thanks for the laughter, I know my husband was wondering what was up with me, sitting here by meself laughing so hard, you don't mind if I tell HIM about those splinters and the delicate place they were lodged, do you? Cause if you don't want me to I won't!!!

LOVE you and your stories...thanks again!