...from this unseasonably oppressive heat. The cold front blew in a few hours ago, meaning that tomorrow will feel more like April and less like August. (This after high 90s and low 100s for the past several days.) Darren and I sat out on the porch swing in the wee morning hours and enjoyed the coolness. Our conversation was a deep and welcome spring in the parched desert that has become my heart.
There's a song running through my head that Darren's acappella group used to sing ..."in the arms of Sweet Deliverance, gonna lay my heavy burden down....".
There's a reason it's playing in my head. Stupid broken record. Those same words over and over and over. The only other part of the song I can remember right now is this: "and I will rest by and by." Yah. That sounds nice.
I have heavy burdens tonight. I've been pushing them aside for weeks, thinking I'm better off ignoring them. I've been mad. I got over the anger only to be washed over with apathy and indifference. I don't like ANY of the feelings I've had. I want to move on, knowing that things will be better if I do so, but without feeling any regrets. It means that I need to lay my heavy burdens down. At a specific place. At His feet.
But that means I'd have to pray about it. And the truth is, I'm still too angry. I SAY I'm over it, I THINK I'm over it... but I'm not. How can you pray for someone with whom you're so angry that the mere mention of their name makes you curl your lip and wanna spit? That's how I know I'm still angry. 'Cause when Darren suggested that I pray for this person, I immediately bristled. I didn't want to pray.
So. This is the burden I carry. Anger. It's a heavy weight. It's not one I'm accustomed to carrying, and it's weighing me down. I WANT to let it go, and yet, I don't. Because as long as I hold the anger, I don't have to feel the loss. I need sweet deliverance. I'm just not sure I want it yet. Somehow, the anger feels safe. It's justified.
I know I could have the deliverance my heart thirsts for if I'd just pray. I know He'd provide me with rest by and by, if I'd just pray. The ugly truth is, I'm rebelling against the song in my head.
And that makes me ashamed. 'Cause God ALWAYS uses songs to speak to me. He always has. I've always listened. Tonight, I keep changing the channel.
Some of you will think you know what I'm referring to. In fact, several of you will think of completely different scenarios that it COULD be. It doesn't matter. What matters is, I'm in a dry and weary land, and I see the spring, but I'm making no attempt to get there.
I don't want reconciliation. I just want...
I don't even know.
Please pray for me. I need Sweet Deliverance.