Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Sweet Deliverance

...from this unseasonably oppressive heat. The cold front blew in a few hours ago, meaning that tomorrow will feel more like April and less like August. (This after high 90s and low 100s for the past several days.) Darren and I sat out on the porch swing in the wee morning hours and enjoyed the coolness. Our conversation was a deep and welcome spring in the parched desert that has become my heart.

There's a song running through my head that Darren's acappella group used to sing ..."in the arms of Sweet Deliverance, gonna lay my heavy burden down....".

There's a reason it's playing in my head. Stupid broken record. Those same words over and over and over. The only other part of the song I can remember right now is this: "and I will rest by and by." Yah. That sounds nice.

I have heavy burdens tonight. I've been pushing them aside for weeks, thinking I'm better off ignoring them. I've been mad. I got over the anger only to be washed over with apathy and indifference. I don't like ANY of the feelings I've had. I want to move on, knowing that things will be better if I do so, but without feeling any regrets. It means that I need to lay my heavy burdens down. At a specific place. At His feet.

But that means I'd have to pray about it. And the truth is, I'm still too angry. I SAY I'm over it, I THINK I'm over it... but I'm not. How can you pray for someone with whom you're so angry that the mere mention of their name makes you curl your lip and wanna spit? That's how I know I'm still angry. 'Cause when Darren suggested that I pray for this person, I immediately bristled. I didn't want to pray.

So. This is the burden I carry. Anger. It's a heavy weight. It's not one I'm accustomed to carrying, and it's weighing me down. I WANT to let it go, and yet, I don't. Because as long as I hold the anger, I don't have to feel the loss. I need sweet deliverance. I'm just not sure I want it yet. Somehow, the anger feels safe. It's justified.

I know I could have the deliverance my heart thirsts for if I'd just pray. I know He'd provide me with rest by and by, if I'd just pray. The ugly truth is, I'm rebelling against the song in my head.

And that makes me ashamed. 'Cause God ALWAYS uses songs to speak to me. He always has. I've always listened. Tonight, I keep changing the channel.

Some of you will think you know what I'm referring to. In fact, several of you will think of completely different scenarios that it COULD be. It doesn't matter. What matters is, I'm in a dry and weary land, and I see the spring, but I'm making no attempt to get there.
I don't want reconciliation. I just want...

I don't even know.

Please pray for me. I need Sweet Deliverance.


Veronica in Aus said...

I have no clue what could be causing you to feel so angry...but whatever it is, I pray that you get your Sweet Deliverance and soon.

xx Veronica

Nancy said...

I will be lifting you up in prayer as well, that you will be able to let go and let Him heal your heart.


Stacie said...

Hugs Stacy! Praying you find your Sweet Deliverance soon! (and that it doesn't include squealing pigs! lol)


Menjiness said...

Prayers and Hugs. May you find the piece that you are looking for. God Bless the person that you are angry with because, I did not think you could be angry with a fly. LOL

Love Ya!

Anonymous said...

It was nice sitting out there last night having good conversation. I'm glad I stayed up late :-)


Anonymous said...

Oh Stacy, I'm SO sorry. I can't even imagine what could be making you this upset, and I hope that you find THE way to deal with it soon. Hugs and prayers!

Martha in CA said...

Praying that you get some resolution to all of this, and soon. Anger is not a good thing to hang on to on so many levels.

If the first step needs to be confrontation, then so be it. Once you get that past you, you'll feel so much better. That will then show you the next step though, try as you may, in your head you think you can anticipate and plan everything out.

Carrying burdens is a hard task. It's always best to get help.

Big hugs to you.

Pamela Lynn ~ flutterby7 said...

Prayers for you that you will find peace in your heart and that you will share your burden soon.

Ginger~ in Ger said...

I admit to being a long time lurker here, but Ive never left a comment. Your post tonight just made me feel the need to send you a hug. You are in my thoughts and prayers..

Martha in CA said...

And on a lighter note (not to take away from the burden Stacy is bearing), thanks to Stacie I've been hearing banjos playing all day. ;-)

Nancy D. said...

Would you just cut that out. It is SO disconcerting when you read my thoughts.... gah!

First the shirts... Now this....

I got peeved off first thing this morning. And the day just went downhill from there. I was gonna text you to ask you to pray for me.... But see the aforementioned downhillness.

Different situations. Same emotion.

I'll pray for you. (have been actually) Pray for me too, will ya?

Jonesee said...

This seems so out of character for you Stacy...I too felt compelled to leave you a message (after being a long time lurker). I'm sorry you have been so wronged. Hugs and prayers to you.