Thursday, July 20, 2006

It starts with SH and ends with it

Dani and I had a heart-to-heart tonight. More accurately, I had the heart-to-heart and she sat there in stunned silence. It was dark out. The only light came from the Tennessee moon. We sat on the pool's edge with our feet dangling in the water, watching the ripples make the moon's reflection go all wonky. That kind of atmosphere is condusive to honest speak. I need a pool in my backyard.

Sometimes, the truth is, when you need to make a point, there's only one word that'll do. Shit. There it is. I don't cuss often, and never around my kids. (Although, I do confess to having a potty mouth. I say "crap" way more than I ought to). I think that's why tonight, when the S word came out of my mouth, Dani sat up straight and listened.

Here's the deal. When I was 16, I came within 3 feet of killing myself and 10 friends who were crammed into my car with me. I was drunk. That night scared the SHIT out of me. I never drove drunk again. I never drove TIPSY again. Tonight, Dani needed to hear that story. And try as I might, I could not come up with a word that made my point any better. I know many of you will disagree. (My sweet husband is one of you.) But hey. I'm feeling honest.

And while I'm at it, there's this:

A beautiful, sweet, very observant friend mentioned to me that I've seemed distant. Funny thing is, she hasn't seen me or spoken to me in person. I've seemed distant online. Well. All I can say is, you should see me in person. I. am. not. myself. Most of my local friends haven't noticed because I've made myself scarse. A chronically, chemically depressed person becomes skilled at hiding it. I am the master.

As much as I hate it, it's time to admit that I need my medicine. The doc told me last November to get on it and STAY on it, and not to wean myself off or else. I weaned. Now I'm dealing with the "or else". Again. Depression is a beast. It's hideous. I fight against it because I don't want it to own me. I stop the medicine because I don't want to be "depressed". I am not a depressive person. I hate the label. It is not ME. My natural state of mind is that of JOY. When I feel the depression building, I compound the problem by getting angry at it. I know it's medical and that if it were cancer, I'd have no problem treating it. I KNOW THAT. But as always happens, I fight fight fight it until I just don't have anything left to fight with. And when that happens, I crash hard. This time, I'm catching myself mid-air. I won't crash. At least not hard.

Even so, as I sit here and admit to the world - to complete strangers and new acquaintances and people whose opinions of who they think I am are changing with every word I write - as I sit here and get honest and acknowledge the beast, the words that come to mind are: Shit. How did I get here again?

And the next words... the ones that sprang to the forefront of my mind and my soul and my heart as I typed that last sentence... are these:

Make me new, Lord Jesus. Make me new.
For it seems that in so many ways, I'm not enough like you.
Take this weary vessel I am in
And mold me once again.
Take my life, take my spirit, make me new.

12 comments:

Denise said...

Glad you caught yourself in free fall - you are so special and deserve to feel joy always.

Now as a Mom of a 23 year old daughter - that sounded like just the right word to say because in that moment Dani knew she was hearing the true you. That is what counts because you are the most influential person in her life - even if she would never admit that!

I lived through my daughter going through a very difficult time - I knew something was wrong - I tried talkiing with her but never got to truth until I found needles and a syringe. Heroin had been talking to her - helping her numb out her life. But believe me I got so honest it hurt!
On a brighter note - my daughter is 4 years in recovery and doing so well it brings tears to my eyes.

So I guess - my message is - a few cuss words may help now and then!

D

Nancy D. said...

;)

Jonesee said...

I'm probably considered a complete stranger to you but from reading your blog and your SS posts I would say I probably know you better than most people in my real life. My DH once asked me why I was reading your entries and I told him "Because I love Stacy...I wish I were more like her." This is still true even knowing about your chemical depression...which by the way I also have.

Thank you once again for sharing your life and your stories!
Dawn

kjland said...

:->
Sucks to be imperfect...I celebrated my one year cancer diagnosis today.
-kjl

kjland said...

I didn't mean for that to sound mean...you know I love you Sta-sweet. We have been thinkin of you. Let me know when you are back in town and we can do lunch.

in HIM, -kjl

ginger said...

Oh Stacy! Who would think badly of you because you have a medical condition that you need to take medicine for? Who? Seriously, tell me and I'll go beat them up. Those who matter don't care one whit what prescriptions you're taking or why except to the extent that they keep you healthy and happy.

p.s. I think you used the right word. She had no doubt that you weren't lecturing her but talking to her adult to adult.

p.p.s. Love you!

Mike Roy said...

Stace, I have so much on my heart that I wish to share with you about the struggle I have had with chemical depression. I just recently have had to admit to myself that my body is tired and I must accept the help that is available to me but yet I struggle with it so much. I have sought councel from many christian women who have been down this road as well as going to a licensed counselor just seeking assurance in taking this type of medication. It makes me feel weak, as though I am unable to find joy. It makes me feel like I could lose control. It makes me feel broken. It has taken me many weeks to battle this out and realize the truth in it and swallow hard the reality of the wisdom my friends and counselor shared with me. We live in a broken world and both those who follow God and those who don't will suffer because of it. Yet, we have hope. A hope that one day we will not be bound by the things of this Earth but made whole in His presence. Therefore, we can choose to be joyful because we know that this isn't it for us. Depression doesn't define us. Afterall, we are children of the King. Royalty. This is the voice of truth! I love you, Melissa

Cathy said...

(((hugs))) & ~~prayers~~

Cara said...

*sigh* I am sorry that I didn't realize. I thought you had PMS and that you really were not coming around because of your work. I will know better now. Next time you won't fool me so easily!! I am on to you!
Go to the DR, get your meds, take them AND KEEP TAKING THEM! I may have to just make sure you and M are using them everyday! He is a rebel too! Love ya! I am here!

Terri in BC said...

dear stacey - you deserve to be happy and with a chemical depression, the only way is to supplement that chemical in the same way a diabetic has to take his insulin. believe me, i've learned the hard way and i now know i'm on my meds for life. i don't ever want to descend into that black hole again and i remind myself of that every time i think i can "wean" myself. go to your doctor, get those meds and take them every day just like that diabetic - you and your family deserve to be happy!

Walter said...

Stacy, Pap Pap here to say that what you are going through is something I have fought my entire life. I did not know what it was until I went to the hospital and started on meds. Grammy and I love you, Darren, Dani, Aidan and Ian so much that we worry about you but won't stick our noses into your business, we just love all of you and love keeping those boys anytime. Dani needs her mother to be honest. Rembember when she and I talked at Westberry about her feelings about you and what ever you had done to her that day? Keep talking and loving all day long. We love you Grammy and Pap Pap.

Diana Sioux said...

Oh, Stacy. You're post made me sad! Sad because you think there are those who might think less of you for the depression. I know you know how many of us there are that suffer from it as well. And I may not "know" you, but I think I know you well enough to know that you would never judge or think less of us for it. Give yourself the same consideration. If you had a headache, you'd take a Tylenol. If you had allergies, you'd take an Allegra. Take the meds you need for the depression so that you call rule it, not the other way around.

>>>>> HUGS!! <<<<<