Saturday, August 20, 2005

Dear Aidan


I love you. I want to go upstairs right now, scoop you up out of your bed and hold you like a little baby. I want to stroke your cheek, kiss your nose, smooth your hair and watch your eyes flutter and twitch as you dream.

Today was such a very hard day. You tested me at every turn. You pushed every limit. You acted out in every extreme. You exhausted me. A few months ago, I often described you as the boy who "only wants to make people happy. He'll go to great lengths to please you, to make you proud, to make you smile. He's thoughtful, obedient and sweet, by nature." Today, and actually for the past two months or so, I would not use that description.

You're not a bad boy. On the contrary, I believe that the core of you is still very good. You desire to be good, and to do good. I think this is just a phase. A very miserable phase for both of us, but a phase just the same. My heart hurts, because today, more than once, I said to you through clinched teeth, "Aidan, you are a BAD BOY." The second time, you just looked at your feet and said, "Yah." I'm so sorry. You made bad choices today, but you are NOT a bad boy. You remember EVERYthing. I swear, Aidan, you have the memory of an elephant!! I know that you'll wake up tomorrow morning and remember that you're a bad boy. And that breaks my heart.

And so, tomorrow, I'm going to do everything in my power to remind you that you are a GOOD BOY. 'Cause you are. You're precious and sweet and all that is pure. And even on days like today, when I want to take you down to the zoo and move you in with Mama Monkey, I love you. From the very deepest depths of my heart, I love you.

When you grow up and are big enough to read this, I want you to know that.

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