Did I ever tell y'all the story of me playing softball about 10 years ago? No?? Hold on, here we go!.......
Karen will remember this, and surely will correct me if I forget anything or elaborate too much. Ahem. It was the first time she met me. :)
It was a charity softball tournament that a group of friends had entered. I thought it'd be fun to sit in the dug-out and cheer them on, but I had no real plans to actually PLAY. 'Cept they kept badgering me, and chanting my name, until even the OTHER team was chanting my name. So I took a bat, headed to home plate, and struck a pose.The pitcher pitched. The catcher caught. I stood there and laughed. Then he pitched again, and I swung. Imagine my HORROR when the bat actually connected with the ball! Oh. My. FLYINGSPAGHETTIMONSTER, that meant I had to RUN! Both teams were yelling, "RUN! RUN!" So I did. HARD. My short little legs were churnin' and burnin', and my disgustingly disproportionate boobs were setting off seismographs in California with every step: KaBOOM kaBOOM kaBOOM. The short stop intentionally overthrew the ball to first base, so I was safe. I'm sure they thought it the kind thing to do, letting me arrive safely at first base, but I was ready to murder somebody, 'cause that meant.... you guessed it..... that'd I'd have to run again!
My friend Andy Tomme (I'm including his whole name in case he ever googles his name - I want him to relive this horror too, LOL!) was up to bat right after me. I knew I was doomed, 'cause he was the athletic type who excels at EVERY sport he plays. As soon as I heard the crack of his bat, I started running. HARD. I SWEAR, my feet were barely even skimming the ground. And yet, Andy was ON MY BUTT, screaming, "GO!!!!!! GO GO GO GO!!" He'd already rounded first and I hadn't even made it to second yet! I leaned into my run, trying with everything IN me to get there before the ball, screaming like a GIRL the whole way, boobs flying everywhere - knocking my knees on the way down and blacking my eyes on the way up. When I got there, I stood on top of the base and turned toward the crowd to take a bow (even though I'd long been thrown out). The crowd was ROARING, and half my team was standing outside the dugout holding their sides, laughing hysterically, applauding, falling on the floor. Someone started chanting MVP. I was basking in it ('cause it really WAS hilarious), when suddenly, something seemed amiss.
I looked down, and lo and behold, there was my right boob, COMPLETELY out of my bra. My left one was still inside my bra, but cut in half, so through my t-shirt, it looked like I had one HUGE high-riding boob on the right side, and two funky looking ones on the left. I turned around toward the center fielder and tried in vain to stuff my boob back in without raising my shirt. That's hard to do when you're a disgustingly huge cup size. I failed. All I could do was jog back to the dugout and pretend nothing was wrong. But oh MY, I was laughing. We lost that game, and for MONTHS after that, everytime I'd see one of those friends, we'd all bust into gales of laughter. For a long time, Andy called me MVP whenever he saw me. Every once in while, I'll see someone from that tournament who will remind me, "Hey. Remember that time when we played softball.....". And then I'll cut them off, threaten to beat them up if they utter another word, and we'll crack up. MAN, that was embarrassing. But BOY was it funny!!
I haven't played softball since.
I think I can safely assume I never will again. LOL!