the wai-ai-ting is the hardest part....

Sometimes you don't realize how badly you want something until you have to wait for it.
In fact, that's usually my criteria for knowing if I really want something. I'm an impulse shopper. If I see it and want it, I almost can't stand not having it. But nine times out of ten, I don't indulge myself, and I find that within hours, and sometimes before I even reach the parking lot, that "gotta have it" feeling has passed. If after days and weeks of waiting, I STILL think I gotta have it, that's a pretty good indication that I really do want it. Make sense?

So, when I first mentioned The Biggest Loser audition, I thought it would be really cool, a great opportunity, and even somewhat fun. I gave it my all - put everything I could into the video audition, filled out my application honestly and candidly, and overnighted the whole thing to Hollywood. Then the waiting began.

It's been 3 weeks. Every day, the waiting gets harder. When will I hear? WILL I hear? I know our audition tape is fantastic, but is it good enough in the first 10 seconds to make them want to see the whole thing? I've found myself putting the immediate future on hold, in case I get cast. I don't want to make plans, you know, in case I'm "at the Ranch".

Recently, I've come to a realization:
It's not the SHOW I want so badly - it's the life change.
I've decided that with or without The Biggest Loser, I'm ready to do this.
And instead of waiting to see if the show will be the catalyst that changes my life, I've realized that *I* must do it, regardless of the show.

There's something to be said about deciding it's acceptable to go on national TV, with millions of viewers, and show your ugliest side(s). That I am willing to do so astounds me! In real life, I only wear big baggy t-shirts, and I'm constantly tugging them down. I don't show my legs, ever. But there's been a stirring deep within me....

I'm waiting on news from the show. If they want to see me, I'll be there in a HEARTBEAT. But if they don't, I'm not waiting around. This is my time. I've got plans, and I'm seein' 'em through. I don't know exactly what has changed inside of me, but something has. I'm ready to do this thing.

• Friday: appointment with Dr. J to discuss him overseeing my weight loss (I've already gotten pre-approval from my insurance company)
• Monday: first Yoga class with Megan; meeting with nutritionist

----->cool story here. Megan is my neighbor. SWEETEST girl ever! She's going to work with me one on one until I feel secure enough to enter the studio in a group setting. (TELL me THIS. Why am I okay with doing it on TV, but NOT in a room of 30 women? WHY?) Megan's good friend Amanda, a "nutritional/fitness life coach", has offered to work with me at no charge! The cool thing? It turns out, Amanda is also Darren's massage therapist. He only goes once every 2-3 months. Small world!

Next week's schedule:

• M-Th - Nia (yoga) with Megan, transitioning to T/Th in a class if I like it
• M-W-F - walk 1/2 mile to boys' school and 1/2 mile back
• T-Th - dance/weight workout at Cara's, with Cara and Kristi (FUN!)
• every day - get up and move enough to get my heart rate going, for 3-5 minutes every hour

Two other things I'm considering: this, and this.

And THIS. Crack. Me. UP!! If I could just blow $300 for the fun of it and not have to worry about feeding my family, this chair would be on its way to me TODAY. I'd lop off a boob or two if I tried to work in it (can you imagine? My working tools involve sharp blades!), but I think I'd get a GREAT workout just laughing my abs off! HA! (Then again, I get the same ab workout just watching Ellen!)

The waiting is still the hardest part. I'll continue to wait for word from The Biggest Loser.

But reclaiming my life? I'm not waiting any longer.
:)