questions I stole from Carrie's blog

I give you money and send you into the grocery store to pick up 5 items. You can only pick one thing from the following departments. What do you buy?

1. Produce: red seedless grapes
2. Bakery: frosted sugar cookies for the kids
3. Meat: salmon
4. Frozen: whole wheat waffles
5. Dry goods: walnuts

Let's say we are heading out for a warm weekend getaway. You're only allowed to bring 3 articles of clothing with you. So, what's in your bag?

1. mu cut-off capri jeans
2. clean underwear
3. the white blouse I wore in the previous post

If I was to listen in on your conversations throughout the day, what 4 phrases or words would I be most likely to hear?

1. Close the door!
2. Stop using your cartoon voice, Aidan.
3. Hello. (My phone rings incessantly)
4. The Wii is TOO LOUD.

So, what 4 things do you find yourself doing every single day, and if you didn't get to do, you probably wouldn't be in the best mood?

1. Check my e-mail
2. guzzle ice water
3. talk to Darren
4. sleep under a ceiling fan

You're driving down the road, and suddenly you're hit with this sense of road rage. What 3 factors probably contributed to it?

1. Someone drifting into my lane and not realizing it 'cause they're on the phone or applying makeup or reading the paper
2. someone turns right in front of me, making me jam my brakes
3. someone flies up on my tail and sits there, even though they COULD easily go around me

Sweet! You just scored a whole afternoon to yourself. We're talking a 3 hour block with nobody around. What 5 activities might we find you doing?

1. checking email/surfing the net
2. having lunch with a friend
3. getting a pedicure
4. sleeping
5. reading

We're going to the zoo. But, it looks like it could start storming, so it will have to be a quick visit. What 3 exhibits do we have to get to?

1. lions
2. coyotes (the boys LOVE the coyotes in the Texas Wild section)
3. penguins (for Dani)

You just scored tickets to the taping of any show that comes on TV. You can pick between 4, so what are you deciding between?

1. The Ellen DeGeneres Show
2. Saturday Night Live
3. The Late Show with David Letterman
4. Oprah

You're hungry for ice cream. I'll give you a triple dipper ice cream cone. What 3 flavors can I pile on for ya?

1. Tin Roof Sundae
2. Chunky Mocha something
3. Vanilla Bean

Somebody stole your purse/wallet…in order to get it back, you have to name 5 things you know are inside to claim it. So, what's in there?

1. scrapbooking receipts
2. business cards
3. driver's license
4. zoo membership card
5. Costco card

You are at a job fair, and asked in what areas you are interested in pursuing a career. Lets pretend you have every talent and ability to be whatever you wanted, so what 4 careers would be fun for you?

1. creative director for a magazine
2. writer
3. event planner
4. creative escape retreat center owner/operator

Weigh-in: Month 4

Ladies and gentlemen, this is 7 gallons of milk.

It's fortified. With vitamins. It's pasteurized. I love it! It's ho...mo....gonized. Oh I love my milk!

(Sorry. It's just that random songs from my past pop into my head ALL the time. If I always bothered to tell you about the songs in my head, you'd be scared of me - so I don't.)

Yesiree. Seven gallons of milk, at roughly 8 pounds per gallon... well, you do the math. 56 pounds of milk, equal to the 55 pounds I've lost, plus the one pound I shed trying to finagle 7 gallon jugs into my hands.

Speaking of finagling....

I was standing there, minding my own business, smiling pretty for the camera, when that rogue jug in my left hand - the one on top - started trying to escape. The problem was, I had that one hooked on my thumb, and if you've ever seen my hands, you know that I have stubby thumbs. It's one of the reasons I could never master anything other than the G chord on guitar. When it started slipping, I hollared, "Help! Slipping, slipping!". Dani, in a flash of brilliance, ran the other way.

She was getting the grocery cart, which was a few feet behind her, but I didn't know that. So I yelled louder, "HEY!! HELP ME!" All of a sudden, BOOM! The jug hit the concrete floor with a splat, splitting wide open and gurgling vitamin D all over the place. In that same nanosecond, a man came running from behind and took the jug tucked under my right arm. Turns out, Dani snapped a picture of him moments before. Look closely, and you'll see him. I thanked the guy, but he looked at me like I was a loony tune and continued on his way.

It was then that I really thought about it. What must people have thought, walking past while a crazy woman off her rocker enough to wear orange pants struggled to juggle 7 gallons of milk, when her grocery cart is a mere 5 feet away? And then, what kind of weirdo poses for a PHOTO with those 7 jugs of milk??

A woman who's lost 55 pounds, that's who.
And fifty-five pounds, my friends... WORD TO THE MOMMAS. That's a lot of spilled milk!

He's got a mouth, that one.

I sent Ian to bed, after having let him stay up extra late to finish a movie. Thirty seconds later, I ascended the stairs to retrieve some clothes hangers, and from the shadows of his bedroom, I heard him say, "Mom. I can't fall asleep."

"You just got in bed, you nutcase. Give it some time."
"But I get scared."

At this, I stopped and backed up, standing in his doorway.

"What do you mean you get scared? You've never been scared before."
(Ian, in fact, is the one who has always insisted on his room being completely dark at night.)

"I just keep thinking about bad things. Every night, they just pop in my head, and I can't get 'em out."
"Scary things?"
"No. Not really scary, just bad things."

"Ahh. That used to happen to Dani when she was your age. You know what worked for her?"
"What?"
"Prayer."
"Praying never works for me. I've tried it before, and it doesn't work."

By this time, I'd made my way to his bedside, and I sat down on the edge of it and rubbed his back.

"Aw, Ian. Yes it does! Why don't you believe in prayer?"

"I dunno."

"Do you believe in God?"

Ian sat up and snarled his lip at me. "That was a dumb question to ask. Of course the answer is yes."

I caught myself before I full out laughed, but not before I let a giggle escape. We prayed, and then I went downstairs to tell Darren how proud I was of our youngest kid for having the guts to tell me I'd asked a dumb question. Truly, I offended him! "He's bold," I bragged. "I love that about him. He's SO not afraid to tell me like it is."

The next morning, after mounting frustration at him for not being able to find his shoes (AGAIN), which he had only taken off 12 hours before, I snapped. I yelled, "If you'd take care of your THINGS, then they wouldn't get LOST all the time! You don't take care of ANYthing!!!!"

He wrinkled his nose, furrowed his brow, tucked his chin, glared at me out the top of his eyes, and yelled right back: "Well if YOU weren't so MEAN, maybe I WOULD take care of my stuff!!"

"Come here for your spanking," I said. "You don't get to talk to me like that."

He came. I swatted his butt once with my hand.

I found his shoes, and as he put them on, I called Darren at work. "You know how last night I was so proud of Ian for telling me what he really thought? Well, I'm over it."

It's a fine line, you know, between knowing when it's okay to tell your Mom what you really think and sensing when to keep your trap shut. I hope he learns sooner than later!

I've come to realize....

1. I've come to realize that my boobs aren't as grotesquely huge as they used to be - but they're still obsene.

2. I've come to realize that my job is important to our family's budget and it's time I started treating it as such.

3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving, I can stick my foot up against the rear view mirror like I used to do in college. :)

4. I've come to realize that I need a daily balance of exercise - both physical and spiritual - to feel alive and free.

5. I've come to realize that I have lost a lot more baggage than this mere ~50 pounds represents.

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when I sleep too long.

7. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk... wait a minute. It's been so many years since I've been drunk, I can't even remember it!

8. I've come to realize that money buys things that make people look happy, but money can't buy happiness.

9. I've come to realize that certain people hide in the bottom of the boat while others dare to walk on water - but none of us are better than the other.

10. I've come to realize that I'll always be cherished by the one who matters most.

12. I've come to realize that my mom has never felt the freedom of true forgiveness.

13. I've come to realize my cell phone needs a ring tone that doesn't annoy Darren so much. (Oh, but I LOVE "Brick House"!)

14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning, my body felt more sore and weary than it did last night when I fell into bed. We need a new mattress!

15. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep, I loved Darren truly, madly, deeply - forever, for always, and no matter what.

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about how the simplest words from those who love me can be so powerfully healing.

17. I've come to realize that my dad loves deeply, completely and selflessly.

18. I've come to realize that when I get on the computer, I can be self-disciplined about how much time I let it absorb.

19. I've come to realize that today marks 17 years since I gave birth to the baby who would eventually own my heart and teach me everything under the sun about betrayal and forgiveness and truth in love.

20. I've come to realize that tonight and every night, my call is to give myself to my family and their needs and wishes - and in doing so, fulfill my own needs and wishes.

21. I've come to realize that tomorrow I will be wrapping up some projects around here or else I'm gonna ground myself from everything fun that keeps distracting me from seeing them through to completion.

22. I've come to realize that I really want to skydive, and I WILL - as a reward for reaching my weight goal. :)

24. I've come to realize that life isn't what we make it. It's what we allow GOD to make it.

25. I've come to realize that this weekend I will taking photos at the wedding of the neice who was the little flower girl in MY wedding!

26. I've come to realize that the best music to listen to when I am upset is Rich Mullins' music. I haven't recently come to realize this for the first time; I've come to realize it yet again.

27. I've come to realize that friends know when you need space without getting all huffy or paranoid about it; they know when to kidnap you for lunch and a pedicure; they know when to celebrate with you and when to pray with you and when to just be present, and how to communicate without words.

28. I've come to realize that this year, I'm reaching the potential that God's seen in my all along.

(Thanks to my friend Brandi. I stole this from her blog!)

It works for me!

People keep saying to me, "You're so strong! How are you doing it? What's your secret? How do you stay motivated? Teach me how to have your willpower!"

Here are my answers:
"I'm not strong. I've never had willpower. I'm no different that I was every other time I tried to lose weight. My secret? It's gonna sound hokey, but it's the only truth: this time, I asked God to take me on this journey.

It all started when I decided to audition for The Biggest Loser. At the time, I was convinced that being pushed physically and mentally in front of a huge audience was the only thing that would work for me. I gave 100% of myself to the making of that audition tape and then, realizing that I could do no more, I gave it to God. Literally, I packaged it up, sealed it, and as I dropped it at the post office, I gave it to Him. "It's in your hands now. I give it to you - the outcome, whatever it may be, I will accept as Your will."

Immediately, I knew that I didn't need the show to lose the weight. By this time, having gone through the emotional journey of finding a willing partner, of filling out the application, and of creating the video, I realized that it wasn't just the weight loss I wanted - it was that I wanted my life back in EVERY aspect. For me, that meant that my journey would be much more than a physical one - it also needed to be emotional, mental and spiritual.

And those are the precise reasons I'd never asked God to help me before. Asking him to help me stick to a diet would've meant that I had to actually give it my all. I've never been ready to do that before, because so much of my weight problem and the bad habits that contributed to it were based in emotional weakness, and my eating habits were my way of covering that up - of dealing with it - of literally stuffing it down. As much as I hated them, my habits and the weight were a comfort to me, and I wasn't willing to let go.

But on a bright spring day last March, I gave it all up. I don't know exactly WHAT brought me to that point, but I knew I was there, and I knew that I couldn't put it off. I was ready to give it all, and to accept the gift of grace and promise in return. I'd never felt more safe in my life as I did the moment I surrendered all control.

So. My strength? My willpower? It's not my own. I'm not one who can turn down a chocolate eclair. I don't have what it takes to pass by Sonic without stopping for a Vanilla Diet Coke. I've never believed in myself enough to make a diet plan and expect to stick to it. I've never had enough self worth to walk into an exercise class without worrying what other people saw and thought. But the fact is, I HAVE passed up donuts, Sonic and potatoes. I've created a menu and new healthy lifestyle that I stick to, and I've joined exercise classes that I've been so blessed and inspired by that OTHERS have joined with me.

But let me tell you, and let me be clear:
I still don't have the strength, willpower, self worth, confidence and dedication that it takes to lose 150 pounds. But I'm well on my way to losing it; in fact, I'm over 1/3 of the way there. The only thing *I* have going for me is God, and my conviction that HE has enough strength, willpower, self worth, confidence and dedication to make up for my lack of each. He's carrying me through this. This I know for sure.

3 months & 39 pounds

As of June 29th, I'd lost 39 pounds.

That's a 37.5 pound bag of dog food, plus 2 1-pound bags of dog treats.

The jeans I'm wearing in this photo darn near fell down around my knees when I lifted the kibble above my head. They're now happily on their way to a new home - I've purged my wardrobe and emptied my closet. I'll never need those sizes again!

I'm one week away from my 4-month weigh-in. I hope I'll be able to lift what I've lost! :)

break

I am taking a break from blogging indefinitely.
Maybe I'll be back, maybe I won't. I don't know yet.
Keep recognizing the little things, and celebrate each day.