During my divorce, I created a private, hidden blog where I vented and processed and healed. Very few people knew about it. It is something that I will likely keep private for the most part. But there are parts of it that are worth sharing with the world in general.
The following entry was written in August 2013.
It's hard to believe that a year has passed since I logged in here.
So much has happened.
We sold our house after only 31 days on the market. It broke my heart, and I wept openly on the realtor's shoulder after the closing. Since that time, the boys and I have moved again, this time to a perfect little house that keeps them in their school district and affords us the comfortable, single-family-dwelling life we missed in the duplex. It really is a Godsend, and is a story that I'll come back and tell. As sad as I was to lose our dream home, I'm over it now. I can drive by without feeling grief and loss. It's just four walls and a roof and a big wrap-around porch now, but it's not a home. It's simply a house. Home is where your heart is, and that is something I have found to be absolutely true.
Even though the market was barely in its earliest stages of recovery, we profited a little on the house. I used some of it to buy a new car. (My VW Bug, though I adored it so, just couldn't handle being a family car.) At Christmas, we took a once-in-a-lifetime vacation: a Caribbean cruise. I'd always wanted to cruise, but never was able to because my ex thought he would hate it. WE LOVED IT, and in hindsight, it's obvious to both me and Dani that the trip now serves as a huge landmark on the map of our recovery from the divorce. It really was amazing for us as a family.
Darren got engaged. Yes, while we were still married. Walking my boys through that confusion was one of the hardest things I've had to do yet. There was much anger on Ian's part, though he wouldn't ever let Darren see it. Misplaced though it was, I took the brunt of it. I haven't felt sadness or betrayal or disdain about the engagement or the other woman at all, which I think is a great indicator that my heart is in full recovery. Everyone who's met her says she's exactly like me (I'll write about that sometime), which I think is pretty funny. The divorce became final in April, 12 months after filing. It was amicable and fair.
I've lost 115 pounds. The first 60 melted away with little effort, but the last 60 has taken a lot of effort. I've been plateaued for about 3 months and have been losing and gaining the same 5 pounds, but over the last two weeks, I broke through and am losing again - 8.4 pounds since 10 days ago! I still have 60 to go to meet my goal. I've come 2/3 of the way - what's another 1/3? I can do this! IT IS AMAZING TO HAVE MY LIFE BACK. I only thought I was living when I weighed 317 pounds.
The boys and I placed membership at Legacy Church of Christ last fall, but as much as I love the people there, it just didn't feel right for some reason. I've struggled with finding a church home, and have visited so many places. The boys are sick of visiting. Finally, I think we've found it - 7City Church, which is not the denomination I grew up in and spent my adult life in. Even still, it feels good and right, and I'm hopeful that God has led us there for a purpose. I haven't made any commitments to it yet - still praying for confirmation.
Finding a church home is a lot like dating, I've decided. Something about a church sparks your interest enough to make you decide to visit. Sometimes at first glance, you know it's not the right one. Sometimes after the first "date", you think, "Eh, maybe I can get past that quirk. I'll give it another chance." Sometimes it takes three or four dates before you realize that it's not gonna work out, and you're back to square one. One thing's certain - I've met some great people along the way and my faith journey hasn't suffered. I think the variety of worship styles and preaching styles and just the diversity of faith has been really good for my heart and soul. Part of the healing process for sure.
God continues to place people in my life who are simply there to like me and love me and enrich my life in little ways. I've met people who became friends in the most bizarre ways this year - at a Kelly Clarkson concert, through Facebook connections, at Six Flags... and most recently, through a dating website. Yeah. I started dating. That's a whole 'nother entry. Or twelve.
The healing continues, but the war is behind me.
It feels good to be writing again. :-)