Friday, May 23, 2008

recognizing triggers: emotional

Two weeks ago, I received some upsetting news about someone I love dearly. As I tried to process the information in my head, I found myself taking the boys to Braum's for an after school ice cream treat. At the counter, I ordered their ice cream, and looked at the menu hanging above, where a big glossy photo of a Black Forest Sundae was featured.

It looked wonderful.
I needed to have it.
I opened my mouth to order it.

And then I thought, "No. You don't want it. You're not even hungry. You're acting out of emotion."

See, food has always been a coping mechanism for me. It's always comforted me. It's the first thing I turn to in times of trial.

I stood there at the ice cream counter, BonQuiQui smacking her gum, getting tired of waiting on me to finish my order. Do I want the sundae? Yes. No. But yes. BUT NO! Major internal struggle. I'm eating out of emotion, don't do it. BUT I DON'T CARE THAT I'M EATING OUT OF EMOTION. Yes I do. NO I DON'T! Yes. I do. I'm stronger than this.

Finally, I ordered a kid-sized 96% fat free frozen yogurt.

I walked every day that week except Friday, and went to both Nia sessions. On Thursday morning, I SO didn't want to go to Nia. I knew it would benefit me emotionally and spiritually, but physically, the emotional roller coaster had left me with NO energy. I went anyway. Sure enough, I kept running out of steam and thought about quitting. Several times, a cry rose up in my throat and I considered running out to the stairwell and having a good bawl. Other times, I'd be so lost in my thoughts and worries that I'd forget I was at Nia - the class would be doing something completely different and I'd be either doing the moves from the previous set, or pacing back and forth, oblivious to anyone around me. After class, Megan said, "You look like you could cry." She took me into her arms and held me tight. I knew I'd cry if she didn't let me go, and despite me trying to pull away several times, she wouldn't release me. Eventually, I relaxed into her embrace and let the tears fall. It was cleansing and such a relief to let a little of it out. I love her for seeing that need and for gifting me with her amazing spirit of compassion.

Turns out, the calming effect of Nia on my heart and soul and mind is EXACTLY what I needed to quiet the emotional triggers. Even though every fiber of my being protested me being there, it was the weapon I needed to beat down the monsters once and for all. The next session I attended put the monster out of his wounded misery, as I pounded the crap out him during the martial arts portions of class. It is an AMAZING feeling to face and beat such a beast.

Never again will I allow emotional triggers to get the best of me. I'm a new woman, and this new life of mine is so much bigger than me and my weaknesses. It's becoming a spiritual and an emotional journey more and more everyday. The physical changes are just icing!


Crazyredhead said...

You continue to amaze me with your strength and determination.

I am so proud of you!

Love ya!

LvHmBirth said...

You rock!

Anonymous said...

Congratulations! I am so happy for you. You continue to inspire so many with your candor and enthusiam.

Renee from Ludington (ppo11)

Anonymous said...

WTG, girlfriend. Hang in there!.

Nana T

Christy said...

Oh Stacy- I am in tears. For you. You are amazing. Truly amazing. Please tell Meghan that I said thank you.