Stacy, 2. Candy Bars, 0.

Let's see. The last time I blogged about my weight loss journey was ... wait. Really? November 5th of last year? Seriously almost a year ago? Wow. No wonder I've allowed myself to gain so much of it back. And no wonder I have avoided blogging, too. It's all coming back to me now.

I say I've gained most of it back, but the truth is, I don't know. I haven't stepped on the scale. I'm scared to death to. The funny thing is, when I started this journey, when I was at the heaviest I'd ever been in my life, I wasn't scared of it. I came online and announced it to the whole world wide interwebs. But now, NOW. Now I'm scared. How much did I allow myself to give up? How much of that hard work did I just throw away?

I have all sorts of reasons and excuses, starting with an emotional upheaval that lasted for a few months last year, followed by me breaking my foot and being forced out of regular exercise for 14 weeks, compounded by starting a new job that involves me sitting on my butt all day at a desk next door to a woman who cooks the best soul food in the county and loves to share it.

Somewhere along the way, I started to slip. It was winter, though, and my sweatshirts and sweaters didn't seem that much tighter. My jeans were a little snug, but it was easy to forget how baggy they'd actually become. Snug was a feeling I'd been used to for years, and it felt normal. Then warm weather came and I had nothing to wear, 'cause I'd given away and thrown out all of the previous year's too-large clothing, knowing I'd never need it again.

I cut off a pair of jeans into capris and wore them daily, washing them constantly, 'cause they were my only pair. I would not allow myself to buy jeans in the next size up, so I just refused to buy any period. Then about a month ago, I was pulling those threadbare jeans on when one of the beltloops gave way and created a humongous hole in the backside. I wore them that day anyway, but it became clear almost immediately that this was a very temporary situation at best. I was forced into new jeans. Size 22. I'd gotten down to an 18, almost a 16. And now I was back in a 22, just two jeans sizes away from the old ones that still hang in my closet, awaiting the day when Kristi and I will both stand in the same pair that used to clothe just me. I was disgusted.

And so I did what all emotional overeaters do when they're stressed, or worried, or pissed as all hades: I ate. For the last month, I completely sabotaged myself. I ate bad intentionally. I ate when no one knew I was eating. And in the process, I made myself a miserable, angry blob of a person.

Meanwhile, one of my sweetest friends was hitching up her own bandwagon and goin' to town. She started with a simple gym membership, then ramped it up with a personal trainer. Consistently, she invites me along. A free month here, a two-month trial there. I always decline the offers, but I've been watching her progress, and she amazes me.

Then I see women in my neighborhood jogging along every morning, some pushing strollers while barely breaking a delicate glow, others huffing along, slimy hair slammed against their foreheads and donning the tell-tale face of "what the hell was I thinking?". But they're out there.
And I notice them.

On Saturday night, we ate badly at CiCi's. On Sunday night, we grilled hot dogs. Both nights, I tossed and turned in bed, unable to sleep, feeling nauseated, racked with heartburn, bloated and miserable. Sunday afternoon while at the grocery store, I was in the check-out lane when I spotted the sale: 3 for $1. We all know this means I could've purchased one for $.34, but why waste a good opportunity? I chose a Reese's, a York peppermint pattie, and an Almond Joy. I took them straight from the cashier's hand and plunked them in purse for later. I'd already eaten a Hershey's with Almonds that day.

Monday morning, after a fitful night, I woke up exhausted and cranky. As I showered, I made a snap decision: today it begins. I hadn't planned it, I hadn't worked myself up for it, I hadn't laid plans to make it easier, nothing. I just knew it was time. It clicked. Thank God. I'd been praying for the click!

And so, at the end of Monday, I went to bed early to avoid the night time snackies that plague me. I slept well, having made good, healthy choices all day long, with three candy bars still in my purse. I considered giving them to Darren and the boys, but decided that leaving them would force me to surrender once and for all.

Today, I forgot to take lunch to work. At noon, I had an online training class to attend and locked myself in my office. The class lasted two hours, and about 1/3 of the way through it, my stomach was rumbling and I was feeling nauseous. I knew those candy bars were within reach. I knew I had another hour plus to sit there. I knew I could end the hunger pangs. I knew no one would ever know. I eyed the candy.

Tonight, at the end of Tuesday, I'm going to bed having made good, healthy choices all day long, with three candy bars in my purse. I'm leaving them there. Today was too hard. I'm leaving them in my purse until I don't CARE that they're there anymore.

Stacy, 2. Candy bars, 0.

Hair Makeover

Aren't these cool? These are the colors I chose when I sidled up to the Color Bar at Magnolia Ave Salon this afternoon. I went in for my celebratory hair makeover - my reward for reaching my halfway mark! As of this week, I've lost 70 pounds! WHEEEE!

I went to a new salon because I wanted a new 'do by someone who wasn't afraid to let me be bold. I wanted someone edgy. I was told that Magnolia Ave was my answer, and I booked a consultation and appointment on blind faith.

After telling Richard that I wanted red lowlights and honey highlights, he gently told me that I was using '90s speak, and asked if I wanted to try something new. Uh, YAH. The method is called color blocking, and the technique he used is called "the sun". Basically, we put the darkest color - a red brown - all over. Then he took a mid-section layer around my crown and colored "sunbursts" in the honey. Finally, he topped it on the topmost layer with a color between the two. It gives me bold color and lots of movement, which is exactly what I wanted. :)

As for the haircut, it's not quite as drastic as I was hoping, but it's a good cut. He took 3" off the length, then layered it up in choppy chunks. I also cut my bangs back to chin-length and had him blend them into the back. Lots of play with this cut, and it's a cinch to style!

So... without further ado, here's the before:

And here's the after! (with Richard the Colorista)

Darren took this one a few minutes ago, 10 hours after the fact, all sweaty and gross and limp. But you get a better feel for the chunky color at this angle....

Today, I'm thankful that when I changed into the smock at the salon and realized that there was only one size (Fits All) to choose from, there was no need to panic. I fit! :)

Blessed be God— he heard me praying.
He proved he's on my side; I've thrown my lot in with him.
Now I'm jumping for joy, and shouting and singing my thanks to him.
Psalm 28:5-7 (The Message)

A Month of Thanks

My cyberfriend Sherry issued a challenge for the month of November, and I'm IN, baby!

I have so much to be thankful for. Today, I'm especially thankful that even though I've been unable to work out aerobically for the last 7 weeks, I've managed to lose weight! I slipped into a new size of jeans today - one I've never worn! When I got pregnant with Dani, I was a 12-14. After nine months, I'd gained 40 pounds and was only wearing stretched out elastic stuff. I continued to gain weight after the pregnancy, and when I finally bought my first pair of post-baby jeans, they were 20s.

Today, I wore a pair of 16s.

There's no reason that *I* should be credited with the continued weight loss. About two weeks ago, I re-invited God to be a part of this journey with me. I'd let myself become complacent about my healthy eating, and hadn't made an effort to work out at all. When I relinquished control and stopped feeling sorry for myself, I actually FELT like working out, and got pretty creative about going about it. I got serious about eating right again. And I lost weight. And a pants size.

All because God is in control. I'm thankful that He's real, and that He doesn't hesitate to prove it to me over and over again!

Give thanks to God—he is good and his love never quits.

I Chronicles 16:34 (The Message)

coupla things

My head hurts.
Still.
It's full of cotton and weighs 1000 pounds.
My eyes are buzzing.
Someone squirted silly string all up in my nasal passages.
My ears need to pop.
My neck aches.
And my head hurts.
Still.
Thank you.
That's all.

oh, wait. No it's not. I have one more thing to whine about.

Biggest Loser Family premiered tonight.
I watched even though I had mixed emotions about it.
Desi and I poured our hearts into auditioning for this season, but then they went and made it a FAMILY show and we were disqualified. Hmmmph. As I watched the new teams, I kept thinking, "We coulda taken them." "We have more personality than they do!" "She's a wuss."

But what REALLY pissed me off?
Even though I've lost 60+ pounds since sending in our audition tape, I still outweigh a couple of the girls on the show.

I coulda been a contedah!

I've hit a major plateau. Been stuck on either side of 60 for a month now. Methinks I need Jillian to kick.my.BUTT. Kick it HARD!

NSV = non-scale victories

As you know, I gained back 6 pounds and only ended up losing an overall 2 pounds last month. I pinpointed my problem as emotional eating and avoidance of exercise because of those same emotions.

This week, I've strived to overcome that, and I've been pretty successful in both areas (eating and exercise). I still wasn't gung ho, though... I've just been faking it 'til I make it. Know what I mean?

Yesterday, I saw an older woman (my friend's Granny) whom I hadn't seen in several months. She asked if she'd ever met me. At first, my feelings were a little hurt because YES she's met me, many times! When I said, "Granny, I'm Stacy!", her mouth dropped open and she gasped, "You've lost so much WEIGHT! Cara told me you'd lost weight, but you don't even LOOK the same."

Then last night, an old high school friend reconnected with me on Facebook, and said, "You look exactly the same as you did in high school. Not a day over 20!" I'm 39, and it's a recent picture.

Today, I feel GUNG HO AGAIN! I needed those NSVs!

Month 5 Weigh-In

It was bound to happen sometime, and sometime is now.

I only lost 2 pounds the entire month of August.

Well, that's not entirely true.

The TRUTH is, I lost 8. Then I gained back 6 in the last two weeks.

Not good.

I've identified the problems:

1. I did some emotional eating. I knew I was doing it, but didn't seem to care .THAT's not good, and not normal for me, either.

2. I didn't eat during the day.

3. I ate empty calories and junk at night.

4. I overate empty calories and junk at night.

5. I didn't exercise.

But today is a new month.

A new slate.

A new day.

A new beginning.

I'm back on track, and I resolve to invite God to be the center of this again. (In fact, I've already done so.) It's obvious that I can't do it by myself, isn't it? But with Him, it's possible; He's proven that to me so many times!

I have a great support system in place that I've also neglected to lean on recently. When I finally returned and told them of my weight gain, I got so many words of wisdom and advice. A few that really hit home:

I say jump back in - today's a new day. Look for a big loss next week as you shock your body back into it's new routine! (thanks Shannon!)

Remember this is a lifelong journey you're on.... revisit your goals and your dreams and commit to making this week a good one. (Thanks Jayne!)

You have done so much already a little set back is okay as long as you don't let it knock you off your horse for good. (Thanks Les!)

I can so sympathize. Just went things are humming along, something derails you and you lose momentum. The most important thing is that you don't give up. I've done that before too...and it feels just awful. Get back into it right away. Here's a (((hug))) for good measure. I'm still here cheering you on! (Thanks Carrie!)

Just get back on that train and go forward. You can do it.... (Thanks Jat!)

It is okay. Remember this is a lifetime journey and about long term changes. Little ups and downs should be expected. You are doing GREAT!!!!! (Thanks Joanie!)

You are a shining example of God's love and light and with Him - you can do anything! We're human. We make choices - some of them are better for us than others, but sometimes, for me, he lets me stumble in order to remind me to lean on Him. (Karin, you're so right. Thanks!)

Stace. Can you imagine a year ago, thinking that losing 6 pounds in a month would be a BAD month? (said before the month was over, but still... I love you Ginger.)

Look how much you HAVE lost! Even with a little gain.. you've still lost a lot!! Get back in there and back on track. It can be done.. you've already proven it! (Thanks Ginger!)

I'm glad to see you come here for encouragement and then keep on keeping on...I want to be more like you when I grow up. (Aww Alli. ((((hugs))))

And the one that spoke the loudest to me, James 1:4: Let perseverance finish its work, so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (Thanks, Nina!)

Here I am Friday night, holding the amount I've lost to date: 57 pounds. :)

bloated and gross

This morning, I woke up bloated and with a familiar nagging cramp in my belly. I felt gross and fat all day.

Tonight was Meet the Teacher night at school, and I made myself get all gussied up, knowing that I'd be seeing school-mom friends, some of whom hadn't laid eyes on me since May. I must admit, I was looking forward to the accolades.

But not a single person mentioned my weight loss. (Tina, bless her sweet heart, DID say "You look wonderful", but I'm not counting her, 'cause she's seen me off and on all summer.) Others have told me that I look like a different person, so I find it hard to believe that people who haven't seen me in so long didn't notice at all.

Just a few minutes ago, another friend who's losing weight mentioned the same wonder. "Why don't people notice? I keep thinking people will say something!" And another friend said, "Weight loss is a sensitive subject. People who don't know us well will hesitate to say anything, because it could be misconstrued as a backwards insult." As in... telling someone they look they've lost weight could be misinterpreted as, "Are you saying I NEED to lose weight?" It's just the way women are, so other women tend to tread lightly around sensitive subjects. I understand that, and I'm glad my friend pointed it out.

Thinking about tonight at school, I did notice one mom give me the up-and-down once-over on her way to hug me. And the other moms? I'm sure they noticed, too, but wondered if they should say anything or not. I like to imagine that as they watched me walk away, their conversation went a little something like this:

"Look at her butt!"
"I know. It's TINY"!
"She must have lost 4 cup sizes."
"It's taken 10 years off her."
"I wonder how much she's lost?"
"How's she doing it?"
"Who's gonna ask her on Monday?"

LOL! My butt's not tiny.
Yet.
A girl can dream.

oh - and Darren reminded me that even all Bloated and Gross (that would be a cool name for a girl band. Or... not.), my newest skinny pants still fit comfortably. True, that. Thanks honey!

Top Ten Reasons I Want to Reach and Maintain....

(click to enlarge)

My sweet new friend Diane W. gave me this idea, and totally inspired me to do it. This list, which I created while chatting with her, is taped to walls and dashboards, here and there, some complete lists, and some bits and pieces of the list... tucked into my mirror, in my wallet, on the speedometer, on the fridge, in the book I'm currently reading.... gracing my fridge, my vanity, my computer monitor, the window above the kitchen sink. It helps to see those reasons everywhere I turn. I'm almost halfway to my goal. No turning back, no turning back!

the program

I know you are probably bombarded with PMs and emails wanting to know just
how YOU do it. Well, add me to the list. Can you give me a run down of what you
are doing to make these amazing changes? I know you are a busy gal...I mean come on, you're busy shedding those pounds!! But I would really appreciate your help. Any advice is greatly appreciated. ~Lisa

Finally, I'm blogging about my program. Sorry it's taken me so long to get around to it!

EXERCISE

Walking. I started in March by walking 1 mile each day, three days per a week. At the time, it's all I could do! After a while, I increased my mileage and my speed, walking a longer distance in the same amount of time.

Nia. Two weeks after I began my weight loss journey, I joined a Nia class, which is a combination of dance, yoga and martial arts. It's SO MUCH FUN, it doesn't even feel like exercise. I've missed it so much this summer, and can't wait for school to start back up so I can dive back in to my Nia routine. I do it for 50 minutes each Tues/Thurs morning. I know it gives me a good cardio workout, but it's also been fabulous for toning and building muscle. I've never had visible arm muscles, but now I do, and all I can contribute it to is the martial arts part of Nia. I don't use weights or anything else.

Moving. Other than walking and Nia, I've just added small things here and there, like parking out in the lot and walking up to the store rather than circling and circling for the closest parking spot. I don't save all of my upstairs errands to do at once anymore. Now, when I need something upstairs, I just go. In May at the boys' school, I had to take photographs of about 40 individual kids, who were in classrooms all over the building. As I worked through the list, I made myself go up and down the stairs over and over. In the old days, I'd have mapped it out ahead of time to make sure I didn't have to climb the stairs more than necessary! At camp this summer, I had to climb a hill each time I went down to the swimming hole. I could've driven, but each time, I made myself walk. The first day killed me. By the end of the week, I was climbing while carrying on a conversation, and suddenly found myself at the top of the hill. I hadn't even realized I was climbing!! Since I work at home, I'd gotten in the habit of not getting up out of my desk chair for most of the day. Now, I make myself get up about once an hour and get some activity in - I walk down the block and back, water my plants, dance through a song, whatever. It keeps my metabolism going strong, which means I can burn calories easier, even just sitting at my desk.

EATING

Calories. As for eating, I've made some major changes there as well. I eat between 1500-1600 calories a day. I actually hired a nutritionist to help me with that for the first three weeks, because counting calories totally overwhelmed me. She planned my menus, gave me recipes, made my grocery lists, etc. I could only afford her for 3 weeks, but by then, I felt completely comfortable doing it myself. Googling "1500 calorie menus" is a great place to start, too. Another wonderful took is http://www.sparkpeople.com/. There, you can log what you've eaten and it'll track your calories for you. If you don't know the calorie count of something - say, a casserole - you can add the recipe and it will calculate the calories. The site is also full of articles, tips and support to guide you and encourage you on your journey to health.

Omissions. I cut out processed foods entirely. Basically, if it comes in a box, I don't eat it. I cut out dairy for the most part. I still eat eggs and cheese occasionally, but in strict moderation. I quit my daily Route 44 Sonic Diet Coke with Vanilla habit cold turkey. For a month, I challenged myself to only drink water. After that month, I started adding unsweet tea to the mix. I don't use fake sugar, ever, even though it would mean getting to eat yummy-tasting things and still staying under my calorie limit. My goal: the most nutrional bang for each calorie buck. You'd be amazed at how many empty calories you consume!

Eat more! I eat breakfast every morning, which was a HUGE change for me. I've never been a breakfast eater. Then I eat 5 more times throughout the day: a mid-morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, late-afternoon snack, and dinner around 7:30. I never eat or snack after dinner. That alone was a huge change for me, because I'd gotten in a habit of not eating all day, and then way overeating in the evening. I snack on fresh fruit and veggies, dried fruit, almond butter, walnuts and pecans, and hummus. I try to keep my snacks packed in snack baggies, so I can grab one without having to think about it. I also carry them with me when I leave the house, to ward off temptation to snack on something unhealthy, and to keep my metabolism going. One thing I've learned is that you have to eat to lose!

Water Water Water. I keep a pitcher of cold water in my fridge at all times. I drink it all day long. I've gotten in the habit of taking a cup of iced water with me whenever I get in the car; it keeps me from wanting to stop and get a Coke somewhere.

This program is working for me, but it's imperative that you find what works for YOU. Good luck, Lisa et al!

Weigh-in: Month 4

Ladies and gentlemen, this is 7 gallons of milk.

It's fortified. With vitamins. It's pasteurized. I love it! It's ho...mo....gonized. Oh I love my milk!

(Sorry. It's just that random songs from my past pop into my head ALL the time. If I always bothered to tell you about the songs in my head, you'd be scared of me - so I don't.)

Yesiree. Seven gallons of milk, at roughly 8 pounds per gallon... well, you do the math. 56 pounds of milk, equal to the 55 pounds I've lost, plus the one pound I shed trying to finagle 7 gallon jugs into my hands.

Speaking of finagling....

I was standing there, minding my own business, smiling pretty for the camera, when that rogue jug in my left hand - the one on top - started trying to escape. The problem was, I had that one hooked on my thumb, and if you've ever seen my hands, you know that I have stubby thumbs. It's one of the reasons I could never master anything other than the G chord on guitar. When it started slipping, I hollared, "Help! Slipping, slipping!". Dani, in a flash of brilliance, ran the other way.

She was getting the grocery cart, which was a few feet behind her, but I didn't know that. So I yelled louder, "HEY!! HELP ME!" All of a sudden, BOOM! The jug hit the concrete floor with a splat, splitting wide open and gurgling vitamin D all over the place. In that same nanosecond, a man came running from behind and took the jug tucked under my right arm. Turns out, Dani snapped a picture of him moments before. Look closely, and you'll see him. I thanked the guy, but he looked at me like I was a loony tune and continued on his way.

It was then that I really thought about it. What must people have thought, walking past while a crazy woman off her rocker enough to wear orange pants struggled to juggle 7 gallons of milk, when her grocery cart is a mere 5 feet away? And then, what kind of weirdo poses for a PHOTO with those 7 jugs of milk??

A woman who's lost 55 pounds, that's who.
And fifty-five pounds, my friends... WORD TO THE MOMMAS. That's a lot of spilled milk!

3 months & 39 pounds

As of June 29th, I'd lost 39 pounds.

That's a 37.5 pound bag of dog food, plus 2 1-pound bags of dog treats.

The jeans I'm wearing in this photo darn near fell down around my knees when I lifted the kibble above my head. They're now happily on their way to a new home - I've purged my wardrobe and emptied my closet. I'll never need those sizes again!

I'm one week away from my 4-month weigh-in. I hope I'll be able to lift what I've lost! :)

30 pounds. That's a lot of beef!

Every month, I've committed to holding something that's the amount of weight I've lost. Here was month #1. Here's month #2:



That's beef. 20 pounds of brisket, 6 pounds of t-bones, and 4 pounds of ground sirloin.
That's nasty. Raw meat makes me gag. But MORE than that...
THAT's HEAVY! My arms were burning by the time Cara snapped an in-focus picture! To think, I've been carrying that around on my butt for all these years. Ack.

People keep asking me how I'm doing it.
"You've lost 30 pounds in 8 weeks! I wanna do what you're doing! Teach me how to have the willpower you have! What's your secret??"

I always answer honestly, even though it sounds a little hokey when I say it.
I'll answer here the same way.... tomorrow.
:)

recognizing triggers: emotional

Two weeks ago, I received some upsetting news about someone I love dearly. As I tried to process the information in my head, I found myself taking the boys to Braum's for an after school ice cream treat. At the counter, I ordered their ice cream, and looked at the menu hanging above, where a big glossy photo of a Black Forest Sundae was featured.

It looked wonderful.
I needed to have it.
I opened my mouth to order it.

And then I thought, "No. You don't want it. You're not even hungry. You're acting out of emotion."

See, food has always been a coping mechanism for me. It's always comforted me. It's the first thing I turn to in times of trial.

I stood there at the ice cream counter, BonQuiQui smacking her gum, getting tired of waiting on me to finish my order. Do I want the sundae? Yes. No. But yes. BUT NO! Major internal struggle. I'm eating out of emotion, don't do it. BUT I DON'T CARE THAT I'M EATING OUT OF EMOTION. Yes I do. NO I DON'T! Yes. I do. I'm stronger than this.

Finally, I ordered a kid-sized 96% fat free frozen yogurt.

I walked every day that week except Friday, and went to both Nia sessions. On Thursday morning, I SO didn't want to go to Nia. I knew it would benefit me emotionally and spiritually, but physically, the emotional roller coaster had left me with NO energy. I went anyway. Sure enough, I kept running out of steam and thought about quitting. Several times, a cry rose up in my throat and I considered running out to the stairwell and having a good bawl. Other times, I'd be so lost in my thoughts and worries that I'd forget I was at Nia - the class would be doing something completely different and I'd be either doing the moves from the previous set, or pacing back and forth, oblivious to anyone around me. After class, Megan said, "You look like you could cry." She took me into her arms and held me tight. I knew I'd cry if she didn't let me go, and despite me trying to pull away several times, she wouldn't release me. Eventually, I relaxed into her embrace and let the tears fall. It was cleansing and such a relief to let a little of it out. I love her for seeing that need and for gifting me with her amazing spirit of compassion.

Turns out, the calming effect of Nia on my heart and soul and mind is EXACTLY what I needed to quiet the emotional triggers. Even though every fiber of my being protested me being there, it was the weapon I needed to beat down the monsters once and for all. The next session I attended put the monster out of his wounded misery, as I pounded the crap out him during the martial arts portions of class. It is an AMAZING feeling to face and beat such a beast.

Never again will I allow emotional triggers to get the best of me. I'm a new woman, and this new life of mine is so much bigger than me and my weaknesses. It's becoming a spiritual and an emotional journey more and more everyday. The physical changes are just icing!

20 pounds (9.09 kilos)

Twenty pounds of potatoes. Sweet Holy Moses on buttered toast, those bags are heavy! Especially when you're trying to do curls with them!

That 20 pounds used to be on my bod. I've decided to photograph myself holding the amount of weight I've lost every month. Should be fun!

Today was my 1-month follow-up with my doctor. He prescribed Phentermine (an appetite suppresant) for me last month, which requires a monthly check-up. I didn't take the Phentermine for 5 days last week, because I was doing an experiment on myself. I'd been crashing HARD - hitting a wall - every afternoon at 4:30 or 5:00, and I thought it might be an effect of the medicine wearing off. But when NOT taking it, I still hit that wall every day. I think (and so does my doc) that it was just my body trying to adjust to its new life. It wasn't used to exercising and burning calories during the day at ALL!

He asked if I'd noticed that the pills give me more energy. Honestly, I haven't. I told him that the only side effect I could tell was that during those 5 days when I wasn't taking it, I was starving in the evenings. Evenings have always been my trouble time. It's when I used to get the bulk of my calories.

Doctor said, "See, this is why I hate these pills. I'm afraid that when you go off of them, you'll slip back into those old habits and gain it all back. I see it happen all the time."

I said, "Dr. J! It's not gonna happen, because I'm replacing those bad habits with good ones. I'm not just taking the pills. I'm also exercising every day, (I walk 2 miles on MWF, and do an hour of NIA on T/Th) and starting Monday, I'm adding resistance training to the mix. And I'm eating 6 small meals a day, and never after 7:30 or so, and I'm staying between 1500 and 1600 calories. I will never slip back into those old habits."

He beamed. BEAMED, I tell you!
"Stace, girl, you're ROCKING this!"
He was so proud of me, and since he's always been so nurturing and seemed so fatherly to me, his pride and the big pat on my back felt SO good.

I'm grateful for the pills, because I know they've helped me jumpstart this whole new lifestyle. But I'm also proud of the fact that I'm making great strides towards a future without them. I'm working hard, and it's paying off. I feel. SO. GOOD!

I've lost 21 pounds in 4 weeks.
130 to go! :)

Kindness

I spent all day in the car. At 9:20, I left home and headed to Frisco to run an Ikea errand I've been putting off for weeks. I arrived back in Fort Worth in time to take Dani to the doctor at 1:00. After dropping her off, I headed downtown to pick up Darren from work, and dropped him off at his massage appointment. From there, I made a quick stop at Vending Nut Co. for walnuts and dried apricots, and made it back to Dani's doctor just in time to pick her up. Dropped her off at school, stopped at Family Dollar for a few necessities, and made it to the massage therapist just as Darren was walking out the door. Then straight to the boys' school for pickup time. And finally, at 3:15, I was back home.

When I walked into the family room, I immediately noticed a grocery bag sitting outside on the front porch. Inside it was a shopping bag from Old Navy. My first thought was that Dani had lost an article of clothing on her NYC trip last weekend, and it had been returned by one of her friends' Moms. But no - it was a new shirt. In MY size.

Well, wait. Not exactly my size. It was in a size I wouldn't have even bothered to take off the rack, much less try on. But I LOVED the shirt. It's one of my favorite colors, and I loved the style. I came back in the house, showed it to Darren, and then immediately stripped off my t-shirt and slipped this one on. I couldn't believe it fit!

I looked again in the bags in search of a note, but there wasn't one. My first thought (and Darren's too) was Mecca, because the shirt looked like something she'd wear, and she's just the type to leave a gift like that. So I walked down to her house, but she swore it wasn't her. She DID tell me to see if anything was written on the sack, though.

Sure enough, I'd missed it the first time. There was a note.
"Pay it Forward!
Stacy, keep up the hard work!
Pay it forward with kindness."

I almost walked back down to Mecca's, because I was sure it must've been her.
Or Kristi. Or Cara. Or Megan. Maybe Tina. Marjorie! Possibly Wendy. Luann?

In the end, I decided to let it go and just enjoy the anonymity. That is SO hard for me to do. I wanna know who to hug and smooch!

I love the new shirt. I love the new size. But most of all, I love the spirit of whoever left it on my porch.

POWER! Identifying triggers

So, let me start from the beginning.

When my doctor told me 18 months ago that I'd die young if I didn't get this weight off, and that it was time to do something drastic, he encouraged me to look into gastric bypass and lap band, etc. Darren was completely against it, 100%. One of the reasons *I* decided against it as well is, I felt like I needed to be ready to lose the weight psychologically and emotionally before I did anything drastic. I've heard of too many people who have the surgery just to gain it all back, and I didn't want to be one of those people. For me, I knew that half the battle was in my head.

Finally, through a whole bunch of little things that are starting to be clear to me now, I reached that psychological/emotional place - in just the last couple of months. Slowly, I'm starting to identify triggers in me - emotional triggers, mental triggers, whatever - that cause me to engage in unhealthy habits. It's so empowering to identify those and battle them head to head!

Thursday night, we had a program at school (Ian's Kindergarten class was performing), so we had to grab a quick dinner. We decided to stop at L'il Caesar's for a couple of their $5 Hot-n-Ready pizzas. There's a Subway right next door, so I went in and ordered a Veggie Delight Sub. The pizza hadn't even sounded appetizing to me when we ordered it, but when we got home and Darren opened the pizza boxes, I swear, saliva dribbled down my chin. I quickly put it out of my mind and dined on my sub instead. Then I got rid of the pizza leftovers by giving them to a friend who came over later.

Friday, I took the boys to 7-11 after school for a treat. It's something we do about once a month to reward them for good behavior at school. I always, ALWAYS get a candy bar (or two!) when I'm there, along with a Diet Coke. I stared longingly at the 3 Musketeers, Reese's, Heath., Skor; all of my favorites were there. Beside the candy... a freezer full of pint-size Ben and Jerry's. I haven't craved chocolate or candy since I began this journey 3 weeks ago, but Friday, I had a battle of wills right there on the candy aisle. Eventually I made my way to the nuts and grabbed a packet of whole natural almonds. Instead of Coke, I rewarded myself with strawberry Propel (water) - the first flavored drink I've had in 3 weeks today! (but who's counting!)

Anyway. One of my triggers is so simple. It's the Because It's There trigger. If there's food before me, or the opportunity to GET food, I've always felt like I'd be a fool not to take it. There've been times when, at 7-11, I've gotten TWO candy bars for myself, because "I might get a hankerin' for a candy bar tomorrow, so it'll be good to have an extra one on hand." Then of course, I'd devour BOTH candy bars in the car on the way home. Often, I'd eat when I wasn't even HUNGRY (especially at parties, where the food is laid out before me). Sometimes I'd eat beforehand, to try to keep myself from eating too much while I was out. It backfired everytime. I ended up eating at home AND pigging out at the party. Because it was there.

So. I can't avoid the trigger of having food there. It'll always be there. But it feels good to identify it as a trigger and make myself think about how to react to it. Today, I reacted by choosing something healthy. I really was hungry - it was time for my afternoon snack anyway. But the fact that I recognized the trigger (I didn't want the candy until it was there in front of me), then analyzed it, identified true hunger, and made a good choice.... man. That's POWER!!

I have a bunch more issues to tackle, and I know that most of them will be a lot more profound than this one. Still, it feels great to have this one behind me.

By the way - I'm 10% of the way to my goal! I've lost 15 pounds since March 29. Go me!!

small victories, great feeling!

1. Yesterday morning, I had to fast for some more blood work that I was having done. When I got finished at the lab, it was noon and I was STARVING. I had another appointment at 12:30, so I thought, "I'll just grab some Jack in the Box" on the way.

Immediately, I realized what a horrible idea that was. It's just such a habit for me to eat on the run; it was my first instinct. After that, I had a battle of wills within myself to NOT TURN THE CAR TOWARDS fast food row! Ultimately, I drove home instead and made a quick sandwich. VICTORY!! I was so proud of myself that when I got to my next appointment, I wanted to tell every stranger I passed, "Hey! Guess what I just did?" lol

2. Later, at the playground after school, one of the Moms asked me if I'd lost weight. SURELY I've not lost any yet (I'm only gonna weigh on Saturdays, so I don't know for sure, but it's only been a week since I went hard core with the diet and exercise.) Then last night, my friend's brother said, "You've been losing weight!" I kissed him on the cheek for saying so! Neither of these people know I've started this journey, so I know they weren't blowing sunshine up my pantiloons. I can't imagine that it's noticeable already, but it sure felt great to hear!

3. I've made it 6 days without a Diet Coke (or ANY caffeine or carbonated beverage.) All I've had is water. The headache Wednesday and yesterday was intense (and yet, I still went to my Nia class! Go me!), but it's finally abated. I think I'm over the hardest part now! The best thing is, my body craves water already. That's gonna be so good for me.

The journey of a thousand miles...

begins with a single step. - Lao Tzu

For the last couple of years, I've hosted a Blog Challenge on ScrapShare. This year, however, we changed it up and started rotating hosts each week. This was my week. The challenge? A photo scavenger hunt! I wanted people to take photos to illustrate the following 5 things:

1. a sign of spring
2. an image of joy
3. a bad habit
4. a good word
5. a reflection of you

I've loved seeing different interpretations of the 5 prompts!

Yesterday, I was sitting here (as usual) when Elaine IMed me.
"My last student cancelled. I have an hour of free time. Should I quilt, or walk?"
"Let's walk together!" I suggested.
"I'll be right over," she joked. See, Elaine lives in Alabama.

Ten minutes later, we were walking together, however - she on her cell phone in Huntsville, me on mine in Fort Worth. I headed west and decided walk to the edge of my neighborhood and then follow a city maintenance road that goes down the bluff to the Trinity River. The road is closed to the general public, so I've never been down there, and I've always wondered what I'm missing.

First, you should realize that the mere suggestion of walking for no good reason was a victory for me. Second, I want you to understand that I made a conscious decision to walk toward the river. Big whoop, you say? Well, I knew full well that the trip TO the river was downhill all the way. (Our neighborhood sits on the bluffs above it.) I also knew that the entire trip BACK home would be uphill all the way. And still, I set out toward the river. (Can I get a whoop?)

I fully understand that this is not a big deal to 90% of the world. I even know people who purposefully park at the furthest spot in the parking lot so they can get some exercise in on their way into the store. I, however, have never been one of those people.

Elaine and I walked and talked for almost an hour. I spent some time just hanging out at the river before heading back up - soaking up the sun, feeling the spring breeze, watching the Forest Park kiddie train, listening to the birds. By the time I got back home, I'd walked 1.68 miles, the last of it uphill. My heart was pounding, my leg muscles were sizzling, my lungs were heaving. But I felt WONDERFUL. Sweat was dripping from my chin. Again, not a big deal for YOU, but a huge deal to me. I have never walked for the sake of walking. When I walk, it's because I have to in order to get from point A to point B.

Elaine and I both took our cameras, and then later in the day, I took the boys exploring along a creek that feeds into the Trinity.

a sign of spring:

Our azalea bushes bloomed this week. The ones on the left are still in the budding stage, 'cause they don't get as much direct sun as the ones on the right. Our crepe myrtles are beginning to bud out, and soon, we'll have flowers on the trees. The grass is still brown, but in a few weeks, it'll be lush and green.

an image of joy:

I've ruined my boys; I've taken so many photos of them in their young lives that they've grown to hate the camera. They groan and whine and generally refuse to participate when I want do to a photo shoot. (Doesn't stop me from snapping away while they're oblivious, though, but that's not the point, now, is it?) Yesterday, all the planets aligned and they actually agreed to this pose! It could've been that they felt brave and adventurous perched on the precipice of death, what with that trickling creek roaring past WAY DOWN THERE 8 feet below. ;) Usually, Mom is harping: "Watch your step. Be careful. Pay attention to where you're going. Don't FALL!!!" This time, Mom was saying, "Scoot closer to the edge. No, it's okay. A little closer. You won't fall. Do you think I'd tell you to do something that would make you die? Come on. CLOSER!" Pure astonishment. Followed by joy.

a bad habit:

I've gotten better, really I have. Used to be, I'd have to stop at Sonic DAILY for my habitual dose of Diet Coke with vanilla. These days, I can go a full week without stopping. But yesterday morning, something just wasn't right. I couldn't concentrate on anything, 'cause all I could think about was 44 ounces of delectable goodness. At 10:00, I finally succumbed. I drove to Sonic, ordered my drink, and chased impending doom away with a single slurp. Ah. Bad habits are so good.

a good word:

The boys have rarely had an actual babysitter. Usually, Darren and I plan our dates around other peoples' schedules, meaning either Dani babysits, or we go out when the boys are hanging out with Grammy. One night last October, though, we found ourselves in need of hired help, so we called on my trusted, capable, fun friend Nikki. The boys think Nikki is REALLY COOL, 'cause she is. They were thrilled to have her over, and I was thrilled to return home that night to discover this on my chalkboard. This little note takes up a full 1/3 of "Grand Central", the chalkboard where we all track the week's events. Dani's work schedule, doctor's appts, the boys' Webkinz passwords, etc... everything we need to know is written on that board. But I gave strict instructions to my family: DO NOT ERASE THIS MESSAGE. EVER. IF YOU DO, I WILL THROW YOU IN THE DUNGEON. Almost 6 months later, it's still here. And it still makes me happy to see it, every. single. day.

a reflection of me:

Elaine and I snapped self-portraits on our walk. I had my 50mm lens on, so it was impossible to get a good shot. This is as far as my stumpy arm would stretch. :)

See the sparkle in my eye? You might think it's a relection of the sun. Maybe. I like to think of it as hope. I'm reclaiming my life. One step at a time. Doctor appointment in 50 minutes. Gotta run. (I'll probably park far out in the lot, just 'cause. Don't faint.)

the wai-ai-ting is the hardest part....

Sometimes you don't realize how badly you want something until you have to wait for it.
In fact, that's usually my criteria for knowing if I really want something. I'm an impulse shopper. If I see it and want it, I almost can't stand not having it. But nine times out of ten, I don't indulge myself, and I find that within hours, and sometimes before I even reach the parking lot, that "gotta have it" feeling has passed. If after days and weeks of waiting, I STILL think I gotta have it, that's a pretty good indication that I really do want it. Make sense?

So, when I first mentioned The Biggest Loser audition, I thought it would be really cool, a great opportunity, and even somewhat fun. I gave it my all - put everything I could into the video audition, filled out my application honestly and candidly, and overnighted the whole thing to Hollywood. Then the waiting began.

It's been 3 weeks. Every day, the waiting gets harder. When will I hear? WILL I hear? I know our audition tape is fantastic, but is it good enough in the first 10 seconds to make them want to see the whole thing? I've found myself putting the immediate future on hold, in case I get cast. I don't want to make plans, you know, in case I'm "at the Ranch".

Recently, I've come to a realization:
It's not the SHOW I want so badly - it's the life change.
I've decided that with or without The Biggest Loser, I'm ready to do this.
And instead of waiting to see if the show will be the catalyst that changes my life, I've realized that *I* must do it, regardless of the show.

There's something to be said about deciding it's acceptable to go on national TV, with millions of viewers, and show your ugliest side(s). That I am willing to do so astounds me! In real life, I only wear big baggy t-shirts, and I'm constantly tugging them down. I don't show my legs, ever. But there's been a stirring deep within me....

I'm waiting on news from the show. If they want to see me, I'll be there in a HEARTBEAT. But if they don't, I'm not waiting around. This is my time. I've got plans, and I'm seein' 'em through. I don't know exactly what has changed inside of me, but something has. I'm ready to do this thing.

• Friday: appointment with Dr. J to discuss him overseeing my weight loss (I've already gotten pre-approval from my insurance company)
• Monday: first Yoga class with Megan; meeting with nutritionist

----->cool story here. Megan is my neighbor. SWEETEST girl ever! She's going to work with me one on one until I feel secure enough to enter the studio in a group setting. (TELL me THIS. Why am I okay with doing it on TV, but NOT in a room of 30 women? WHY?) Megan's good friend Amanda, a "nutritional/fitness life coach", has offered to work with me at no charge! The cool thing? It turns out, Amanda is also Darren's massage therapist. He only goes once every 2-3 months. Small world!

Next week's schedule:

• M-Th - Nia (yoga) with Megan, transitioning to T/Th in a class if I like it
• M-W-F - walk 1/2 mile to boys' school and 1/2 mile back
• T-Th - dance/weight workout at Cara's, with Cara and Kristi (FUN!)
• every day - get up and move enough to get my heart rate going, for 3-5 minutes every hour

Two other things I'm considering: this, and this.

And THIS. Crack. Me. UP!! If I could just blow $300 for the fun of it and not have to worry about feeding my family, this chair would be on its way to me TODAY. I'd lop off a boob or two if I tried to work in it (can you imagine? My working tools involve sharp blades!), but I think I'd get a GREAT workout just laughing my abs off! HA! (Then again, I get the same ab workout just watching Ellen!)

The waiting is still the hardest part. I'll continue to wait for word from The Biggest Loser.

But reclaiming my life? I'm not waiting any longer.
:)

Signs, signs, everywhere a sign

Several weeks ago, someone posed this question on the scrapbooking message board that is my home on the 'net. "What would you do, if you KNEW you would not fail?"

People answered "I'd open the quilt shop I've always dreamed of", and "I'd buy a lottery ticket".
I answered with the first thing that popped into my head: "I'd try out for The Biggest Loser."

I've only seen snippets of the show. I don't think I've ever even seen a full episode. Never ever even once have I thought I should be on the show, so for that answer to come flying out the end of my fingertips as I typed was.... odd.

The next morning, I was driving home after dropping the kids at school when I heard on the radio, "Open casting call in Dallas this weekend for The Biggest Loser." I gotta tell ya, after posting that JUST THE DAY BEFORE, I got chills up my spine thinking about. At home, I immediately logged onto ScrapShare and the very first thread I saw was titled: Biggest Loser Casting Call!! I thought to myself, "That's two signs in a row." My friend Amy had posted the details about the Dallas audition, saying, "SOMEONE said she'd like to do this. Here's your big chance, my friend!"

I replied, "It would be a logistical nightmare, figuring out how my family would run without me. I think I could make the cut for the show. I mean, I am a PRIME candidate for weight loss. I'm the right age. I have personality. I don't know if I could cut it though. That's the failure part I was talking about. GAH. This is gonna be all I think about for the rest of the day!"

Friends from across the nation (and even from other countries!) piled on the posts, encouraging me to go for it. I couldn't believe the encouragement!! I needed to talk to someone about it. So I called Darren at work, but got his voicemail. Then I called Kristi.

She said, "Stace, this is so weird. Last night I was lying in bed, and I was thinking about you being on the show! I was thinking you'd be GREAT! But I decided I'd never tell you I was thinking about it, because I'd never want you to fear that your weight bothers me. You know it doesn't. But.... you'd be perfect for that show! Do it!"

Okay, that's sign #3. Then, Darren called me back, and I told him the whole story."Do it," he said.

"But.... what about the logistics? What about the kids? I mean, I think this thing could last a long time... 3 or 4 months, maybe."

"We'll figure it out," he answered.

"I can't believe you just said that. I KNEW you'd say, 'Stace, come on. There's no way we can make it work'."

"We can make it work. We talked about this in New York."

"What?? We talked about Biggest Loser?"
"No, we talked about you getting healthy. How both of us want it. How you want to be able to do things with me." Darren was sign #4.

Then I had lunch with Dani, and I said, "I'm thinking of trying out for The Biggest Loser this Saturday."
"Wow," she replied.
"What would you think?" I asked.
"I think that would be AWESOME," she answered.
"But would you be embarrassed to have your Mom on that show?"
She snarled her lip at me and said, all huffy, "No." Then she asked, "Would YOU be embarrassed to stand on the scale with your fat hanging out on national TV?"

"You bet yer batootie I would!" I laughed.
Then I got serious and said, "It would be hard on everyone."
"It would be worth it. You'd be able to take better care of us when you got back."
"A lot of extra responsibility would fall on you," I warned.
"I know. I already thought about that. It would suck. But it would be okay. It'd be worth it."
Sign #5.

I had several instant offers from ScrapShare friends who were willing to be my partner. (Season 6 will be another "couples" season on the show.) I took that as Sign #6. But Dani had a bright idea: my neighbor. Marjorie and I went so far as taking photos together and filling out our applications. We talked about the ins and outs, the dangers and distractions, the reality of reality TV. And then mere hours before we were to attend the Open Casting Call, she had to back out.

I was strangely okay with that. I briefly considered going alone to the audition, but since I didn't have a partner to list on the application, I didn't go. Even so, I was okay with that. I posted on ScrapShare,

Marjorie backed out tonight. I'm very sad, but not beaten. There are
friends in the wings who have expressed genuine interest in doing it with
me. One is local, two are not. I have photos with the two friends who
aren't local, so that's not a problem. We have a couple of weeks to do
videos and send it in. I'm not giving up yet. But tomorrow, I'll be
sleeping in instead of standing for hours in the freezing drizzle. I
can't say I'm too bummed about THAT. lol!! Darren and I talked about me
going down there by myself, but I really think it would be a waste of
time. I mean, I don't even HAVE a partner at this moment,
and that's a requirement on the application. LOL!! Ah, well. If this thing is
meant to be, it's STILL meant to be, with or without Marjorie.

I spoke with several people about being my new partner. Cara had to decide not to, because she still has a preschooler. Several of my ScrapShare friends talked about it, too, but in the end, sign # 784 happened: Desiree.

Desi is one of my favorite friends ever. We met online years ago, and somewhere along the way, we both went on a health kick and started losing weight. When she got too small for her clothes, she sent them to me. We both left our warm home states of Texas and California and met up at a scrapbooking retreat in Wisconsin. In the winter. That's when we met in person for the first time, but we were old friends instantly. This winter, neither of us were able to return to Wisconsin for the annual retreat, but Desi was able to swing a visit to see me here in Texas! It was already booked and scheduled when we started talking about Biggest Loser, and the timing was perfect. It'd give us a chance to take fresh photos, shoot some video, and do it TOGETHER. Her husband and daughters are as supportive as my family has been. Signs, signs, everywhere a sign.

So, I'm doing this thing.
The mere fact that I'm willing to RISK (lol!) being cast on the show says a lot to me.
It says that I'm really ready to do this thing, for real this time.
Years ago, I said of Oprah, "Yah, *I* could lose all that weight too, if I had a personal trainer and a chef at my disposal, making sure I eat right." This is my chance to put my money where my mouth is, so to speak.

I like to say how lazy I am. That's only partially true. When I decide I want to do something, i do it all the way. When I wanted to see as much of NYC as I could, I did, even though it meant doing it with a sprained ankle. When I wanted to see Paris, I did it with everything I had, even though I was miserable with strep throat and a double ear infection. When I wanted to see Bash Bish Falls, I made the hike, even though I was 7 months pregnant and in great pain. I am capable of doing what it takes. I'm strong - both emotionally and mentally. I have immense faith in God, and He tells me that I can do all things through Him. I believe that He would include losing this weight in that promise.

I need to lose it. I have 150 pounds to lose, and even then, I'd be considered over my "ideal weight". I owe it to Darren, who didn't marry a fat girl, and who dreams of me being able to climb mountains with him. I owe it to Dani, who leaves for college in 18 months and who needs a healthy Mom she can depend on. I owe it to Aidan, who would love for me to run with him. I owe it to Ian, who loves me with everything in him, even though I'm a girl. I owe it to my friends, to my parents, to my sister. I owe it to the kids at Fortress who make me laugh and make me cry and make me remember why God put me in this place. And I owe it to God. He has plans for me. He promised. Plans to give me a hope and a future. It's time I took that seriously. I want that future. I owe it to ME.