BLOG CHALLENGE: Worry - Guilt

My friend Joe (in Brooklyn) (linked in my sidebar) blogged this morning about worry.
Without his permission, I'm copying and pasting his text here, and making it my blog challenge on ScrapShare for this week. I think it's an interesting topic to explore, and that it will open some good dialogue about how we handle the situations life throws at us. Here's his post:

I worry about money - of having it and not having it. I worry about my kids -
their health and their behavior. I worry about my health - my already tired joints and bones. I worry. A lot. Too much. At times, it dictates how I live. Out of desperation I attempt to make my world smaller hoping that I can do a better job of managing all the things and people I worry about. This, of course, isn’t helpful as it is painstakingly clear that I’m unable to manage it all on my own. In fact, things only get worse when I reign things and people in.
Has this been your experience?
And let’s just have a little alter call:
What do you worry about?

Here's the comment I left for him:

I’m not a big worrier. In fact, just this week, my 16 year old daughter accused me of being overly optimistic all the time. Somehow, she made it an insult. LOL! BUT… I do suffer from unnecessary guilt. If I spend too much at the grocery store, or use too many cell phone minutes and have an overage, or if I overeat to the point of discomfort, or lose my patience with the kids, etc etc etc, I don’t just feel guilt. I feel IMMENSE guilt that quite literally makes me sick. I don’t know that it’s a form of worry, per se, but it’s just as unhealthy.

And now, to elaborate.
This summer and now into early fall has been an emotionally exhausting time for us. As we've battled depression, the new school year, health issues, and a recent near-tragedy, our family has really been through the ringer.

As much as it would've made sense to worry about it all, I can't say that I did. Well, let me check that. Of course, there were aspects of things that I DID worry about. But it wasn't the kind of worry that dibilitated me, or held me back, or caused me stress. Quite the opposite, I found that in those times, I felt a sense of hope and calm - a calm that didn't even make sense to me. I believe that the calmness and lack of worry/fear was a gift from God, but that's another post.

However, I suffer from such deep guilt that it sometimes keeps me in my bed, causes me to lose my appetite and then later, to binge. When I had pneumonia, I didn't feel worried about the things I was unable to accomplish on my list of THINGS THAT MUST GET DONE NOW THAT THE KIDS ARE IN SCHOOL. Instead, I felt dread and guilt that I was letting the family down, and my church down, and my clients down, and my friends down, and even the dumb cat down.

Throughout the aftermath of the near-tragedy (which I haven't blogged about, and won't, for the sake of privacy of those involved), I felt guilt that I could've done more, prevented it from happening, etc. (In my heart of hearts, I know I couldn't have; it's just the process with which I deal with things.)

When we're at church, and a volunteer group comes, I feel guilt if the singing sounds weak, or if the lunch served isn't hot, or if the Fortress kids are especially unruly. None of those things are within my power to control, and it makes no sense for me to feel guilty about it. But I do.

Maybe guilt's not even the right word. Do you have a better one?

When I was an older teen, I made many, many mistakes. By the time I got to college, I'd given up my damaging lifestyle and returned to my faith, but I couldn't let go of the guilt. My friend (in fact, to this day, one of the best friends I've ever had, and I'm posting his full name in the hopes that someday he'll google his name and find himself here, and thus, find ME, 'cause I lost him and would love to reconnect) Eric Reynolds (who I've heard lives in Georgia now, to help wih the googling, LOL), gave me advice that still speaks to my heart all these years later. He said, "Stacy, why do you keep asking for forgiveness for that? Why can't you let it go? Why don't you trust God? You've asked Him to forgive you. He has. So now, everytime you bring it up again, He's like, 'Uh, Stace? I have no idea what you're talking about.' 'Cause He's forgiven you. It's gone from his memory. It's wiped off the chalk board. He has no recollection of it. You're forgiven. The only thing you can do now is forgive yourself."

I've struggled with guilt my whole life, I guess.
Remorse isn't quite the right word, either, because it's stronger than that.

Your turn. Self-analyze. What do you worry about? On the count of three, go.

accepting gifts

Tonight, I was offered a very generous gift, and my first impulse was to say, "I can't accept it." Why? I don't know. I always feel unworthy of gifts, especially when they come at unexpected times and from people I'd never expect them from.

And tonight wasn't the first one. Last week, one of my best friends offered to buy me an airplane ticket to come see her. I turned her down. I can't afford to go on my own dime, but it seems so ... I dunno, presumptuous isn't the right word, 'cause I never thought about HER paying when I decided I couldn't afford it... but I think you know what I'm saying. Don't you? lol. I can't explain it. I don't feel deserving of such a gift. Even though she offered and WANTS to do it. I feel weird letting her.

And tonight's gift - I accepted it, although reluctantly at first, and then GREEDILY at last, LOL... but I still feel awkward about it, even though I know that the giver feels joyful about giving it and was so pleased when I accepted it.

I've always been a terrible receiver of gifts.
I always feel unworthy.
I always feel greedy, even if it's something I haven't asked for, or even dreamed of.

Tonight, I feel overwhelmed. Humbled. And yes... totally unworthy of the gift bestowed upon me. I tried to be gracious, but MAN. I don't think I pulled it off. Mostly, I was just speechless.

the challenge:
So what about you?
Are you a gracious receiver?
Tell us about a gift you've received, and how you reacted to it.
Tell us about a gift you've GIVEN, and how the recipient's reaction made you feel.

BLOG CHALLENGE: Senior Moments 1987

Thanks, Nesa, for this fun quiz. I stole it from your blog. :)
The Challenge, for those playing at home: In honor of the new school year, think back to your senior year of high school, and answer these questions accordingly:

1. Who was your best friend?
Brent G. Truly, he was the single best friend I had in high school, and when I think back to those days, I realize how lucky I was to have him. I had a huge circle of friends, and some of them were very close, but Brent was special. He'd have done ANYthing for me, at any time, and did. We lost touch somewhere along the way, after I got married and moved further away.... I regret that. I've googled him several times, with no luck.

2. Did you play any sports? nope!

3. What kind of car did you drive? My first car was a light blue 1977 Lincoln Versailles that Dad bought from my Grandpa. I was horribly embarrassed of that car, because it looked like something an old lady would drive. HUGE LONG front end, with pointy fenders. Its redeeming quality? I could cram 12 other kids in it: 4 of us in the front seat, 4 in the back, one person laying in the back window, and three kids sitting in each of the windows, with their legs and feet inside the car. If there was anyone hood surfing (and there often WAS, on my huge expanse of hood), the number went up another 1 or 2. This is why I don't allow Dani to ride with her driving friends yet. I remember how STOOPID we were! lol

4. It’s Friday night. Where were you? During football season, at the games... and afterwards, at my church for "5th Quarter". The rest of the year, I was cruising Wesley Street, vying for the front parking spot at Sonic.

5. Were you a party animal? My senior year? No. I'd gotten that out of my system by then. ;)

6. Were you considered a flirt? I dated the same guy for 8 months of my senior year. One of my biggest regrets, actually. So no... I guess I really wasn't a flirt that year. Although... my nature IS to be a big flirt. :D

7. Were you in the band, orchestra or choir? A Cappella Choir. My best friends (except for Brent) were in choir with me, and that made it SO much fun. Our choir was incredible - we took 1s in every competition that year. Funny story: when I did UIL Solo and Ensemble, my solo piece was in German. I didn't practice very much, and went into the audition poorly prepared. I knew the music, but I didn't know the words for verses 2 and 3. So i sang verse 1 and the chorus with the correct German words. For verse 2, I made up something that sounded German. For verse 3, I repeated verse 1. I knew I'd bombed. But when the scores were posted, I had a ONE! I couldn't believe it. The notes from the judge said, "Very musical. Beautiful job. CLEAN UP THAT GERMAN!" bwahahahahahaha

8. Were you a nerd? no. But I had friends who were. LOL!

9. Were you ever suspended or expelled? I was a rule follower, so no.

10. Can you sing the fight song? The fight song? Wow. I can't remember it. I'm singing the school song in my head now, though. "We hail from GHS, she is the best....."

11. Who was your favorite teacher? My Senior year, I didn't really have a favorite teacher, although Mrs. Fincher, our choir director, was awesome. My favorite teacher of my whole high school career, though, was Ms. Brown, my sophomore English teacher. Here's why: my freshman English teacher realllly disliked me for some reason. When it came time to make recommendations for the next school year, she refused to recommend me for Honors English, even though my grades in her class (an honors class itself) had been good. I was DEVASTATED to be in regular English my sophomore year. DEVASATED. Ms. Brown recognized my potential immediately, and she single-handedly restored my faith in my own ability and creativity, and she cultivated my love for writing at the same time. She'd give me special assignments. She entered me in college writing contests without my knowing. (I won 1st place for a poem I wrote at ETSU that year!) And more importantly, she made sure I was placed back in Honors for my Junior year. I loved Ms. Brown!

12. What was your school mascot? Lion

13. Did you go to the Prom? Yes! I finally broke up with Jeff about 4 weeks before Prom, and I knew it'd be too late to get a date at that point. But Brent, the hero of SO many of my high school stories, took me. He helped pick out my dress and we double dated with Clayton and Sonja to Dallas before Prom.... ate at The French Room, the first time I'd ever KNOWN that restaurants that nice even existed. I remember that there were no prices on the menu. That scared me to death. LOL!

14. If you could go back, would you? Hmm. I have regrets about that year, and I often wonder how my life would have been different had I not made those mistakes. At the same time, I LOVED high school. Seriously. I did. Even so, no. I wouldn't go back.

15. What do you remember most about graduation? It's the afterward that I remember. A group of us went to Dallas to go dancing. Except that I was still 17 and the clubs wouldn't let me in. That SUCKED. I stayed up watching cheerleading competition videos at Yufen's parents' house while everyone else went out dancing. Miserable night.

16. Where were you on Senior Skip Day? Um.... at school. LOL! (Told ya I was a rule follower!) They threatened us that anyone who skipped that day wouldn't get to walk the stage for graduation, and I actually believed them.

17. Did you have a job your senior year? Yep. I worked at National Video, our town's first video store.

18. Where did you go most often for lunch? the salad bar. We had a closed campus, and couldn't leave for lunch.

19. Have you gained weight since then? uh. Yah.

20. What did you do after high school? I lived at home and went to ETSU for a semester and hated it... transferred to UNT, moved to Denton, and LOVED it.

How Well Do You Know Me?

Take the quiz here. Hee!

the challenge: go to http://www.yourblogquiz.com/ and create your OWN quiz.

BLOG CHALLENGE: Things I Love About Summer

You know, they say that Texas has 4 seasons just like the rest of the world. It's just that ours are Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. For that reason, I'm not a big fan of good ol' summertime. But this year's been different. Because of all the (highly unusual) rain, the temperatures have been tolerable. We haven't even hit 100 yet! I'm actually enjoying summer again, sorta like I did when I was a little kid.

I love the sound of cicadas at dusk. As the sun settles into the horizon, and sometimes for a few hours afterward, the air is saturated with the song of the cicada. To some, the sound is irksome, but for me, it conjures up memories of playing tag at dusk, just as the street lights came on... another hint that the day was over and it was time to go inside.

I love the boom-boom-kaboom of fireworks. We're 7/8ths of a mile from the Botanic Gardens, where the Fort Worth Symphony Orchestra presents Concerts In The Garden every Friday and Saturday night. Each show culminates with a fireworks show, and at the beginning of every summer, it takes us a few performances to remember that the booming is a result of the season's pyrotechnics. "What's that? Gunshots?? Did someone blow a tire? OHhhhhh. It's the fireworks!" We can see them through the trees from our front yard, but the best viewing spot is from the boys' bedroom window upstairs.

I love the concerts themselves. This year, we only made it out to one performance, and that was tonight. We invited our friends Ray and Julie to go with us, and we all kicked back in the soggy surroundings with our picnic, our drinks, and the smooth sounds of Dark Side of the Moon. The FWSO did a tribute to Pink Floyd, my favorite favorite favorite band of all time. It's so cool to be sitting outside while the music plays, watching the sky turn darker and darker, noticing the first star and making a wish, feeling the breeze pick up as the sun goes down... and just chillin' with good friends.

I love late nights. I'm pretty lax about the kids' bedtime in the summer. If we want ice cream at 10 o'clock, well okay then. Let's do it! You wanna play Monopoly, and it's already 8:30? Sure. Why not? I love that we're not bound by a school schedule in the summer, and that we can play as much as we want.

I love the colorful Crepe Myrtles that line every street in town. One of the only species that's hardy enough to survive our Texas heat, Crepe Myrtles are grown in abundance here. We have 4 on our small lot alone! My favorites are the ones that bloom a deep blood red, but those seem to be few and far between. The most common ones are white and bright pink, but when July brings golden-brown lawns and withered, sad pecan trees, the Crepe Myrtles are a welcome spring of color.

And finally, what I love about summer is the travel. It's vacation time, and that means that we get to go places, and people we love are often passing through! Our guest room gets a big workout in the summertime, housing our Fortress interns for 8 weeks each year, and accomodating any number of friends and families on random weekends throughout.

At this moment, I'm singing summer's praises. Ask me in another 4 weeks how I'm feeling, though. I have a sneaking suspicion it won't be as pretty. ;)

The Challenge: Summertiiiiiiiiiiiime, and the living is EEEeeezzzzzzy. Tell us how you feel about summer. This summer, a childhood summer, summer traditions, random summer memories, summer sights and smells and sounds. Whatever. Wax poetic about summertime!

stream of consciousness (Blog Challenge)

Sometimes during allergy season, when I blow my nose, spray shoots out of my tear duct - but only my left eye. I learned a long time ago not to park under telephone wires. When I got these funky new glasses, I realized that they'd really only look good if I was wearing makeup, and I thought, "shaZAM! This is just the kick in the pants I need to actually make myself up everyday!" It lasted, I think, two days. Roughly every hour or so, I think about Dani being in New York City and I say to myself, "SELF, this is not fair. Here you are scooping HER cat litter and doing HER chores and ..... wah." I'm jealous. And yet, I'm thrilled that she's getting this experience. Today, I asked her if she's taking pictures. "I have an amazing picture of a squirrel," she answered. Not exactly what I had in mind there, Dani. Tonight at 8 o'clock, I was yawning my head off. I pushed through that and then caught my nightly second wind, just as I knew I would. But I also know that if I stay awake past two, I might as well stay up all night, 'cause even if I go to bed, I'll just lie there awake thinking of the things I could be doing. Don't know what it is about that 2 o'clock mark. Even when I'm exhausted and the computer screen gets all fuzzy on me and my fingers can't grasp a pen properly... .doesn't matter. If it's past 2, I won't sleep anyway. It's 2:41.

the challenge: Just write. Stream of conciousness. Doesn't matter if it even makes sense. Who cares if it flows. Just start. Just type whatever pops into your brain. Go.

Stacy-ology

ARCHAEOLOGY: the study of material remains

Q. What's the oldest article of clothing you still wear?
A. a gown my dad bought me when Aidan was born over 6 years ago. I've gained too much weight to wear anything older than that.

Q. What's the oldest article of clothing you won't get rid of?
A. a Hawaiian dress that my Grandma Dorthy brought back for me from Hawaii in the '70s.

Q. When was the house/building you live in built?
A. 1917.

Q. What in your fridge needs to be thrown out?
A. potato salad from our last cook-out

BIBLIOLOGY: the study of publication

Q. What are you reading?
A. The Girls' Guide to Hunting and Fishing by Melissa Bank

Q. Do you have a favorite quote?
A. "If you want to be happy, be." - Leo Tolstoy

Q. What's the most recent music you purchased?
A. some stuff by Green River Ordinance, an up-and-coming band that I'm loving.

Q. What book could you read again without being bored?
A. I want to read The Life of Pi again. And I never tire of the book of Romans.

CARDIOLOGY: the study of the heart

Q. How old were you the first time you fell in love?
A. 2nd grade. With Kyle. Stayed in love with him until we were in college!

Q. What charities do you have a heart for?
A. Fortress Youth Development Center here in Fort Worth - ministering to the physical, social and spiritual needs of inner city kids. And the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society... ever since one of my best friends (Elaine Mc) died within 5 weeks of being diagnosed with Leukemia when she was 15.

Q. What's the best way someone can show their love for you?
A. Tell me why they love me, or bring me a Diet Vanilla Coke from Sonic. LOL!

Q. Name five things you "love":
A. a clean kitchen, knitted dishtowels, Darren's scruffy beard, open windows, the mountains

PHYSIOLOGY: the study of physical function

Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
A. right

Q. Do you like your smile?
A. It's crooked and my teeth are grayish and dull.

Q. What's your best feature?
A. my smile. LOL!

Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
A. my gall bladder

Q. Which of your five senses do you think is keenest?
A. smell, definitely. I have a bionic nose!

OMNOLOGY: the study of everything

Q. What color do you think looks best on you?
A. I always get compliments when I wear coral and dark red.

Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?
A. one of my contacts. LOL!

Q. What's your favorite flavor of gum?
A. Orbit Mint Mojito

Q. Where's the first place you went today?
A. Braum's, to get milk.

Q. Do you stand or sit in the shower?
A. Stand. But maybe if I had a ledge, I'd shave more often. ;)

AXIOLOGY: the study of the nature of values and value judgments

Q. Would you walk naked for a half mile down a public street for $100,000?
A. uh, no.

Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
A. who's first? :)

Q. Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
A. no

Q. What value is of utmost importance to you in a friend?
A. Honesty.

Q. Would you accept an indecent proposal for $1,000,000?
A. never.

TECHNOLOGY: usage and knowledge of tools and crafts

Q. What's the last movie you saw?
A. "Stranger Than Fiction" (on DVD)

Q. What's the first website you visit when you log on?
A. my gmail account

Q. What's your ring tone?
A. "Brick House" by the Commodores, much to Darren's embarrassment

Q. Would you quit blogging for $25,000?
A. Is it weird that I'm waffling on my answer?

Q. What piece of equipment do you wish you owned?
A. A good surround-sound stereo system for the house and outdoor living areas

GENEALOGY: the study of relationships within families

Q: Is there a specific family member you're really missing right now?
A: Bobbie and her girls, living too far away in Tennessee

Q. Who is your oldest living relative?
A. My Grandpa Elden, who's in his mid-80s.

Q. Are you named after anyone?
A. My Mom's middle name is the same as mine and Dani's.

Q. Is there anyone really famous in your family tree?
A. I'm a direct descendant of John Alden and Priscilla Mullins of the Mayflower.

BLOG CHALLENGE: Make Your Own Pizza night

Friday night was Make Your Own Pizza night. It sounded like a brilliant idea until I bought the ingredients, at which point I had immediate buyer's remorse and thought, "Ya know, self, you could've saved 40 bucks if you'd just picked up some $5 Hot And Nows at L'il Caesars."

But that wouldn't have been nearly as fun, nor would it provided these fun pictures to scrap!

1. individual pizza crusts 2. Ian 3. Fresh basil from Darren's herb garden (and crushed pineapple) 4. Stacy 5. Nathan 6. hamburger and bacon 7. Aidan 8. pizzas in the oven
9. pepperoni and canadian bacon 10. Brian 11. asagio, mozzarella, parmesan, cheddar
12. olive oil 13. Dani 14. jalapeno, onion, bell pepper, tomato, banana pepper 15. Darren
16. YUMMO!

(Make your own cool mosaic here. Thanks to Ali Edwards for the tip!)

(the challenge: This week, I was inspired by Ali Edwards' blog for our weekly challenge. Choose a set of photos and make a mosaic with this EASY PEASY (and free!) mosaic maker!I uploaded my photos to Flickr and created a set there. But it looks like you can upload to the photo maker directly from your own computer files, too.If you don't take digital photos, you can still participate. Just choose a sampling of Flickr photos that inspire you, and go from there. (That's what Ali did!)Have fun!)

BLOG CHALLENGE: Masterpiece

"Every child is an artist.
The problem is how to remain an
artist once he grows up.
-Pablo Picasso

My beloved Uncle Eli collected whales. Plastic toy whales, knitted whales, whales carved from driftwood and bars of soap. As a child, I loved visiting his house and standing before his vast collection, trying to memorize each piece. Each time I did so, the first one I sought out was perhaps the ugliest: an awkardly pieced-together navy polyester "whale", sloppily hand-stiched with white embroidery floss around the edges, and featuring a huge red smile made of buttons. Its stuffing was bumpy and uneven, and on the back, a piece of notebook paper was stitched to the fabric. It read: "To one WHALE of a guy, my Uncle Eli! With love from Stacy". I made it when I was 8 or 9, one summer after my Mom taught me how to embroider. I remember drawing the pattern out on notebook paper over and over until I settled on a whale shape I liked, then cutting out my fabric and stitching it together. I didn't even know enough to stitch it wrong side out and turn it, and so all my raggedy-cut edges were frayed and exposed. I didn't care. I thought it was a masterpiece. I stole stuffing from my pillow and filled up my whale, added the tag on the back, and sent it off in the mail to Kansas.

Several years ago, when my own daughter was 8 or 9, I took her to see Uncle Eli's collection. He'd long since purged most of it - only one small bookcase of whales remained. My eyes darted here and there until I saw it - my crude polyester masterpiece, sitting proudly among the elegant stained glass pieces and elaborately carved wooden whales. It made me smile.

Today, it's my second child - my Aidan - who's the artist. He specializes in "found art", often pulling things out of the recycle bin and the trash can to make something. He draws all the time, and he's quite good. Yesterday was the last day of school, and he came home with the painting you see above. He was so very, very proud of it. Holding it behind his back, he asked, "Mom, what's that guy's name who cut off his own ear because he was very, very sick?"

"Uh, Van Gogh?" I answered.

"Yah!" he exclaimed. "I painted a Van Gogh for you at school. It's called 'Sunflower'." I didn't have to fake my enthusiasm; I was GIDDY with delight. I told him that truly it was the most beautiful painting I'd ever seen, and that I couldn't wait to frame it and hang it in our house. Later, when Grammy came to pick him up, he showed her his masterpiece and I overheard him say, "Mom's gonna frame it and hang it in our house!" I know just where I'll display it, and someday, when Aidan brings his own newly-graduated Kindergartener over, it'll still be there. I hope it makes him smile.

(the challenge:

"Every child is an artist.The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up."-Pablo Picasso
Reflect on this quote. What was the first piece of art your created? Were you artistic as a child? Did you love to color? Did you learn any art forms - needle arts, painting, sculpting? Did anyone nurture your creativity? Were you drawn to any specific type of art? Has your child created something that he was proud of? Are you still an artist today? In what way? Do you consider scrapbooking an art? Choose any aspect you like, but incorporate a childhood artist somehow into your story. Dig deep, and have fun discovering your forgotten childhood artist!)

BLOG CHALLENGE: love/hate with the 5 senses

LOVE:
the SIGHT of my backyard when I pull in the driveway.
the SMELL of freshly mown grass... and cigars.
the TASTE of hot buttered yeast rolls.
the SOUND of my kids laughing together... and thunderstorms.
the FEEL of smooth, clean sheets.

HATE:
the SIGHT of people throwing fast food containers out their car window while driving down the street, you moronic, thoughtless, selfish pig in the white minivan!
the SMELL of maple syrup. Gag me.
the TASTE of black licorice.
the SOUND of the cat yacking up a hairball.
the FEEL of hot water - as hot as I can tolerate it - in the shower.

EDIT: Oops. Cleary I was too sleepy when I blogged, because the fact is, a long shower as hot as I can stand it is one of my very FAVORITE feels.
I've been trying all day to think of a touch I don't like. I can't.
I love the feel of cat paws. And Darren's beard. And holding hands with Aidan. And the way a cold Diet Vanilla Coke feels when it slides down my throat on a hot day. And the sightly tingly sensation on my lips when I apply Burt's Bees lip balm. And... no. I can't think of a touchy feely that I don't like. I'll keep thinking.

the challenge:
My blog well has been totally dry for a long time now.This is the best I could come up with this week.Follow my format, and have fun exploring your senses!

BLOG CHALLENGE: the power of words

For the last 8 weeks, I've been teaching the high school girls' class at Fortress Church on Sunday afternoons. It's hard to know what to teach sometimes, because the level of Bible knowledge and life experience is so vastly different among the girls in attendance. Some of them have been in Sunday School their whole lives, and know many, many Bible stories. Others can't tell you how many days the great flood lasted, or who betrayed Jesus, or who killed Goliath. Still, they come. They want to be there - I know this because they make sure they're ready when the van comes to pick them up each week - and for whatever reason, God put me there to minister to them. Some days I do an adequate job; most days, I fail to reach them at all. At least it seems that way. Reaching out to teens who are often angry, troubled, belligerent and disrespectful is exhausting work. I often feel completely and totally inadequate to do the job. I look up at the clear Texas sky, throw my arms in the air, and demand of God, "WHAT? You tell me. You led me to this place, and I still don't know WHY. I SUCK at this. When will it get easier? When will I start making a difference?"

For reasons I may never fully understand, girls who come from the inner city neighborhood in which Fortress resides are hard. They're bitter. They're distrustful. They're unwilling. They're cold. Every Sunday, the same old barriers are there. They fiddle with their cell phones, they spin in their chairs, they turn their back on me when I talk, they look at their feet, they mock me when I try to engage them. Every week, when we walk in and sit down, I must break through that barrier. Some weeks it's easy. Other weeks, especially if there's a new kid in class, or a particularly tough one who doesn't come often, the other girls follow her lead and stubbornly refuse to participate. It's heartbreaking to me. I so desperately want to reach them, to build relationships with them. Sometimes their silence is more discouraging than their snarkiness.

Today, I was prepared to teach a lesson about the power of words - how God created the world with a word. ("Let there be light.") How Jesus performed miracles with a word. ("Peace, be still.") ("Take up your mat and walk.") And how the words WE say are powerful in their own right. This week, we were going to talk about the positive power of words, and how the Bible tells us to use words to encourage and uplift one another. We were going to exercise those commands by writing notes of encouragement to people at Fortress... and to the people closest to us. We would spend the hour identifying the people in our lives and how to best bless them with our words.

But only one girl came today. I was disappointed. I was so eager to teach the class, and had spent time in prayer while I prepared it, something I'm ashamed to admit I rarely take time to do. In the end, we decided to combine the boys and girls class, and my lesson will wait for next week.

In the meantime, I was blessed with words from my friend Dale. In the adult class he taught (before the kids arrive for youth worship), he referenced Philippians 4:13: "I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength." What is it that you're trying to do yourself? he asked. I admitted that in my weight loss journey, I have never once asked for God's help. Not once. I spend a lot of time asking him for other stuff... all KINDS of stuff, some of it seemingly insignificant in the long haul. I spend a lot of time just talking to Him. (God is COOL like that. I love that I can just bust out talking to Him. I've even been known to say "sucks" and "crap" in my conversations with Him, and while I'm sure it makes Him cringe, He listens anyway. 'Cause, you know. He's REAL, and He's cool like that. But I digress.)

Later, during lunch, Dale approached me and said, "I have to tell you. I was really surprised to hear you say that you've never asked God to help you with your weight loss. I mean, that really surprises me. I think of you as such a spiritual giant." At that, I fell into him, laughing. "Oh DALE. Dale, Dale Dale. Bwahahahaha!"

He laughed a little too, and said, "I'm serious!"

"Spiritual GIANT? You are SO wrong about me. Bwahahahaha." I rattled off some story about how I've often asked God to help me not poop my pants (don't ask. Or ask if ya wanna. lol), 'cause I know He's not too small to make that happen. Or more accurately, He's not too BIG. And yet, 'tis true. I've never asked Him to help me lose the weight. Then I beat a hasty retreat to the other side of the room to compliment Frankie on her new haircut. Dale was making me uncomfortable.

But his words were POWERFUL. I've let them roll hither and yon in my head all day long. "Spiritual Giant." I know it's an exaggeration, but oh, how encouraging it is to think that someone whom *I* consider to be gentle, kind, patient, loving, joyful, good... well, you understand. Could it be that I'm not the wretch I think I am? If someone who knows me as well as Dale knows me considers me.... wow. Just wow. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle of how he perceives me and how I perceive myself.

Whatever. The point is - and I do have one, lol - is this:
Words are powerful. They can be powerfully positive, or powerfully negative. I'm more excited than ever to teach next week's class. Between now and then, I'll be mailing each girl on my class roll a note. With words. Powerful words. I can't wait.

the challenge:
Words can be powerful. Think of an occasion when someone blessed you with their words. (Conversely, words can be powerfully hurtful, too. Write about one of those instances if you must, but try to think of a positive memory instead.) Describe the circumstances surrounding the words that were powerful to you. Who said it? How did you react? How does it afffect you today?When I was in 6th grade, my teacher told me that I was a gifted writer, and that someday she'd be reading my books. I hate to admit that I've disappointed her, for though I still love to write, I've never had the guts to try to get published. Even so, her words were a powerful encouragement to me. It was because of those words that I entered writing contests in high school and college. In some way, I'm sure it was those words that made it okay in my head for me to write a blog. She probably has no idea how powerful those few little words were to me, and how I still remember them all these years later. But that's not even what I blogged about for this challenge.I can't wait to read the powerfully positive words you have to share!

BLOG CHALLENGE: favorite words

When I was a junior in high school, I signed up for Chemistry because my best friend was taking it, and also because I wanted to impress a certain guy whose favorite class had been Chemistry the year before.

I didn't learn just a whole lot about chemistry that year. I still remember the oddballs on the periodic table (Ag=silver, Au=gold, Fe=iron, K=potassium), but aside from that, nada.

My teacher was Dr. Bergren, and she was a very short Cuban woman with Dr. Ruth Westheimer's voice. I loved listening to her talk, which came in handy, because that's all she did. And not usually about chemistry. She was infamous at GHS for being the easiest teacher ever to get off subject. We had a blast bringing up controversial subjects that we knew would veer us off the Chemistry path for an hour. For instance, a mention of Fidel Castro would send her careening headlong into a lecture about the evils of Communism. It was great fun at the time, because it got us out of having to do a lab or take a quiz or whatever else was on the day's schedule. But it always came back to bite us in the end, because whether or not we covered the material in class, Dr. Bergren always included it on the tests anyway. I didn't do very well in Chemistry.

English is where I excelled. I was, and AM, a word nerd. I write because I like to. Nay, because I NEED to. I read because I feel imcomplete if I don't. Some people do Sudoku puzzles; I'd rather diagram sentences.

And so it's funny to me that the one thing I learned in Chemistry (besides the periodic table) was a word: serendipity.

I have no recollection of WHY she taught us that word, but one day Dr. Bergren went off on a tangent, and said, "Class. Do you know what serendipity is? It's when you see the rainbow, and you determine to find the end of it, and when you DO, there's a pot of gold waiting for you! That's serendipity."

I've loved that word ever since. Truly, it's on the short list of my favorites. I'm almost embarrassed to admit that when the movie "Serendipity" came out in the 90s, I was sorta dismayed that my word would be so widely known now.

I live a serendipitous life. I think it goes hand in hand with grace, actually. Love God, and get way more than what you deserve in return. Love people, and discover the proverbial pot of gold you didn't know they were holding for you. Wait, no. The proverbial pot of Au. heh.

The other words on my short list?
Gregarious. In my Senior English class, we had a weekly list of vocabulary words, and we had to write sentences on the chalkboard using the word we were assigned. I'll never forget seeing "Stacy is the most gregarious person I know" written there in scratchy boy-print. I took it as the highest compliment.

Pulchritudinous. A year or so ago on this blog, I asked readers to describe me in one word. This is the word Darren chose. I had to look up its meaning.

Facetious. I think of it is a playful form of sarcasm. While sarcasm is sometimes cruel and biting, facetiousness is almost always light-hearted and fun. Besides that, it's just a cool word. I love to say it out loud. And it's even more fun to spell -the vowels all go in order from A to U.

Plethora. I learned this word in 1986, from one of my all-time favorite movies, "The Three Amigos".

Jefe:We have many beautiful pinatas for your birthday celebration, each one filled with little surprises!
El Guapo: How many pinatas?
Jefe: Many pinatas, many!
El Guapo: Jefe, would you say I have a plethora of pinatas? Jefe: A what?
El Guapo: A *plethora*.
Jefe: Oh yes, El Guapo. You have a plethora.
El Guapo: Jefe, what is a plethora?
Jefe: Why, El Guapo?
El Guapo: Well, you just told me that I had a plethora, and I would just like to know if you know what it means to have a plethora. I would not like to think that someone would tell someone else he has a plethora, and then find out that that person has *no idea* what it means to have a plethora.
Jefe: El Guapo, I know that I, Jefe, do not have your superior intellect and education, but could it be that once again, you are angry at something else, and are looking to take it out on me?

I have a plethora of favorite words, but I'll spare you the rest.
What are some of yours?

the challenge:
What is your favorite word?Maybe you just like the way it rolls off your tongue.Maybe it's funny to you for some reason.Perhaps its meaning gives it a place of honor on your word list.Maybe you like it because of the circumstances that surrounded you learning it.Thing about words.What are your favorites, and why?

BLOG CHALLENGE: young. at heart.

The other day, I met a fellow Mom who is only six years older than I.
I am 37.
She seemed 60.
I thought to myself, "Man, Stace. You're pretty young for your age."

Later that day, I was chatting with my friend Jenny, and I quipped that maybe my "youngness" has to do with the fact that I'm immature. She said, "I wasn't gonna say it, but since YOU did..."

Hmpf.

A week or so ago, I was chatting with Joe, my friend in Brooklyn whose blog is linked in my sidebar ----------->, and I said, "I can't believe I wrote the word "fart" in my comment on your blog. I wonder how many people I offended." (See, Joe's a preacher, and lots of preacher-types read his blog.) He replied, "Who cares?" Then we talked about my penchant for things like airplanes and mud puddles and... farts. "I bet your boys have a blast with you as their Mom," he said. I glowed. Yes. Yes, they do.

Yah, so I'm young at heart.
I wouldn't have it any other way.

Today was our monthly scrapbooking gig at Fortress. After dark, the Fortress neighborhood gets pretty scary. Often, we have homeless people, or high-on-crack-people, or various other unbalanced people knocking on the windows, wanting us to give them money or a sandwich or a ride. Since it's only us women up there on scrapbooking nights, we sometimes slide a sandwich through the mail slot, but we never open the doors. We've been cussed out and flipped off and had the windows kicked at because of our refusal to open the door. Hey. We're generous. We're kind. We're loving. But we're also careful. And because we're also immature, we use that constant being-on-guard-healthy-fear against each other. heh heh heh.

Tonight, Kristi and Nikki left to go get dinner. When they came back, they rattled the windows and screamed and made all kinds of racket. I nearly peed myself. In fact, I think I might have dribbled a little in my pants. I mean, really. People have broken into the Fortress building before and made off with a CASE OF JUICE. Crackheads are crazy. C.R.A.Z.Y. So I jumped. Sue me. Kristi and Nikki laughed their cute little heads off.

Later, Cara and Nikki left to give someone a ride home. Kristi and I lit upon a GREAT idea. We'd scare them when they got back. Except... they'd be expecting me to retaliate for the earlier scare. So we had to get creative. We creaked open the door, looked both ways, crossed the street, and hid behind Kristi's car until Cara and Nikki returned. Every time a car came into view, we'd start giggling and getting ready to run. When it was finally Cara's car, we waited until she and Nikki got out, and then we went screaming back across the street at a full sprint.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Cara instantly went into Kung Fu mode, and posed as if she was gonna take someone down with a thwack and a hmpf. Nikki, on the other hand, hotfooted it into the building and locked the door behind her.

It took me 10 minutes to catch my breath from the laughing.

Good times.
Good times.

It's no wonder I feel so young.

the challenge: This week, write about the last time you had a really good laugh. A belly laugh. A laugh that took your breath away. A laugh that starved you of oxygen and gave you a headache. A laugh where you tossed your head back and really let 'er rip.If you can't recall a time when you've laughed that hard, then figure out WHY NOT, and write about that.Laughter.It's good for the soul.If only it burned more calories.

BLOG CHALLENGE: extra hour

I had so much to do today.

• Church, lunch, Bible class - all at Fortress. I'm committed to that, and had to be there. (Besides, I WANT to be there. My week is never quite right when I skip the Fortress part of it.)
• Work. I have two jobs due Tuesday. Meeting that deadline (and I must meet both of them) meant putting my nose to the grindstone today.

I got off to a good start by arriving at Fortress on time.
Before lunch, Kristi and I went and picked up some of my favorite little kids and brought them back for JaM (Fortress's youth-focused worship time). After JaM, we took the Fortress kids (including my three) to the park. I really only intended to spend 20-30 minutes there, but before I knew it, I didn't care about my deadline anymore. I was loving being there with the kids. I threw a frisbee, kicked a soccer ball, watched two of my very favorite people on EARTH flirt with each other, and wrestled 3 teenage girls to the ground over a cell phone. (What text messages on that cell phone were so private that they were willing to wrestle me, Cara and Nikki - three grown women - unabashedly? Oh, what FUN memories those are... grass stains and all!)

When we finally left the park at 3:30, Cara and I drove some of the kids home and then spent 90 minutes sitting on my front stoop - brainstorming my landscaping, analyzing weird dreams, and gabbing about our weekends. We talked about tattoos and piercings, weight lost and found, and getting back on the wagon tomorrow. As soon as Cara drove away, several neighborhood kids showed up, my own kids came outside, and I supervised foot races and who-can-make-the-loudest-fart-sound-on-your-forearm-contests. Darren and I wandered over to the neighbor's house and checked out her newly-planted flower beds, making mental notes about which species and varieties would work in our yard. We chatted with various neighbors as they meandered out of their own yards and into ours. We took note of the baby green buds on the azalea bushes and the new growth in the herb garden.

The birds dipped and darted around the pecan tree branches.
The pear trees, awash with white blossoms, swayed in the breeze.
The spring-blue Texas skies began to darken.
A neighbor quipped, "Looks like the rain's finally rolling in."
A drop hit my arm, and another plopped on my head.
The sun hovered low in the sky, finally melting into the horizon.
The neighbors called their kids in.
I looked at the clock.

A whole afternoon of work hours? History.

The extra hour of daylight? Spent.

Regrets? None.

Spring Break begins tomorrow.
There is much to do, many days to fill, many memories to make.

And there is still that Tuesday deadline.
I'm off to Sonic now, to acquire 44 ounces of Diet Coke with vanilla. I'll nurse it all night long, as I crop and cut and paste and play in my scraproom. For I've got promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.

the challenge:
We had an "extra hour" of daylight today. How'd you spend it? Any regrets? If so, describe how you'd spend it differently, given the chance. ('Cause you have another chance tomorrow!)

BLOG CHALLENGE: One Word

Have you ever tried to describe yourself in one word? One word that sort of sums up who you are, what makes you tick, what sets you apart.

Yesterday, I asked that question of three teenage girls at Fortress. They were paralyzed by having to describe themselves with one word, and in fact, couldn't do it. So I went first.

Creative. It's not something I try to be, it's just what I am. It's what makes me happy. If I go too long without letting my mind and hands be creative, I get cranky. Seriously, it's true! Sometimes, I get supremely fed up with everything around me, and almost without fail, when I sit back and try to analyze what's going on with me, it comes down to the fact that I haven't given myself creative playtime. It doesn't have to be obviously creative, although most of the time it is - scrapbooking, doing a photo shoot, blogging, doodling, decorating. Sometimes, creativity happens in the everyday mundane things: arranging playlists on my iTunes and burning CDs for people, changing up the route I take when picking up Aidan from school, making lesson plans and teaching Bible class and scrapbooking classes. Even sitting at Barnes and Noble with an Iced Mocha and a stack of magazines and books is creative time for me. I file away little tidbits in my creative vault - color combinations, kitchen designs, plants I want Darren to incorporate into our garden, quotes that inspire me.

Cara, my co-teacher in the girls' class at Fortress, went next, and described herself as "loyal". And then the girls took their turns. It was a beautiful thing, watching them analyze and look into themselves as they searched for the one word. "Talented". "Talkative". "Good at drawing".

The next question I posed was my favorite, though. After everyone described themselves with one word, we went around the room, describing each other with one word. I was described by inner-city African-American teenage girls as "funny", "country", and "having good fashion." Country? Country?? I'm still shaking my head at that one, and we all laughed pretty hard. I wanna to be ghetto-fabulous, not COUNTRY, forevermore. The "good fashion" description made me laugh. I don't fancy myself a fashionista, and it cracks me right up that a ghetto-fabulous girl from the 'hood thinks I've got it goin' on. LOL!

The girls described each other with words like "tender-hearted", "friendly", "cool to hang out with", "good attitude", and the oft-used "ghettofabulous".

It was a fun exercise. As women, we need to spend more time recognizing and celebrating the talents and positive traits we've been adorned with. Whether we're suburban upper-middle class moms or urban, poor, living-the-moment teens - we all have one thing in common: we're beautiful women with amazing talents, unbridled potential... and we're fabulous, baby. Fabulous.

Go ahead. Describe yourself with one word. Then ask three other people to describe you, too. Celebrate yourself. I dare you!

the challenge:
Have you ever tried to describe yourself in one word? One word that sort of sums up who you are, what makes you tick, what sets you apart. It's not as easy as you think. As women, we need to spend more time recognizing and celebrating the talents and positive traits we've been adorned with. Whether we're suburban upper-middle class moms or urban, poor, living-the-moment teens - we all have one thing in common: we're beautiful women with amazing talents, unbridled potential... and we're fabulous, baby. Fabulous.Go ahead. Describe yourself with one word. Then ask three other people to describe you, too. Celebrate yourself. I dare you!

BLOG CHALLENGE: Countdown (again)

10 Favorites:
Favorite Color: Red
Favorite Food: Potatoes. Mashed potatoes, fried potatoes, baked potates, potatoes O'Brien, potato casserole, scalloped potatoes, potato salad.... (You gotta read that with a Forrest Gump accent. Remember the scene about how he likes shrimp?)
Favorite Month: November
Favorite Song: Right now, it's "To End This Quiet", from the soon-to-be-released new album by Poor Rich Folk. It's haunting and emotion-driven, and I think I even sang it in my sleep last night.
Favorite Movie: The Princess Bride is way up there
Favorite Sport: I love to watch hockey and basketball
Favorite Season: Fall
Favorite Day of the week: Monday (the weekend is always so full of obligations and other people's schedules. Monday feels like freedom!)
Favorite Ice Cream Flavor: Tin Roof Sundae
Favorite Time of Day: early evening

9 Currents
Current Mood: Content
Current Taste: ewwww. Morning breath.
Current Clothes: pajama pants and my SS t-shirt
Current Desktop: a photo of Michael and Cara, Dale and Kristi, & Darren and me at the bowling alley last weekend
Current Toenail Color: au naturel
Current Time: 9:27 a.m.
Current Surroundings: family room clutter, Ian watching cartoons
Current Thoughts: I need to get this room picked up before Patti gets here! And she'd probably appreciate it if I showered and brushed my teeth, too.
Current Wonderings: When am I gonna finish this album that's due today?

8 firsts:
First Best Friend: Crystal
First Kiss: don't remember. Maybe Ricky B.
First Screen Name: ally (I was in love with Ally McBeal at the time)
First Pet: Jasper, a collie
First Piercing: Ears (only piercing, actually)
First Crush: Kyle
First Computer: Tandy Sensation that Darren and I bought after we got married. It was our first big purchase together.
First Home Location: with Darren? a dumpy apartment in Denton, Texas

7 lasts:
Last Cigarette: I can't remember. It's been a long time.
Last Drink: water
Last Kiss: this morning, from Darren as he left for work
Last Movie Seen: Dreamgirls
Last Phone Call: from Luke last night around 9:30
Last CD Played: "Love is a Bullet" by Poor Rich Folk. Its release date is March 27, but Luke gave me a pre-release copy so I can review it. YAY ME! (It's FANTASTIC!)
Last Gift Received: a pair of penguin scissors from Nelleke. They're adorable!

7 Have You Evers
Have You Ever Dated One Of Your Best Friends: yes. I married him. :D
Have You Ever Broken the Law: yes. Everytime I get behind the wheel. I'm a fast driver.
Have You Ever Been Arrested: no, but I should've been.
Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: yes.
Have You Ever Been on TV: no
Have You Ever Kissed Someone You Didn't Know: no

5 Things
...You've Eaten Today: Nothing yet. Bad Stacy, BAD!
... You've Done Today: check email, blog at Scrapropos, get Aidan off to school, feed the cat, check my list of daily blogs
...You Can Hear Right Now: dinosaur cartoon on TV, my keyboard clacking, the hum of the computer... that's it.
...Things You Can't Live Without: music, internet, cell phone, hot showers, ice water
...Things You Do When You're Bored: pick at my cuticles, fall asleep, read whatever's available, call Mom and Dad (they'd probably appreciate if I were bored more often. I rarely call. lol!), hit refresh on ScrapShare

4 places you've been today:
Bathroom, Aidan's room, Kitchen, Family Room

3 people you can tell anything to:
Darren
Cara
Kristi

2 Choices
1. Black or White: Black
2. Hot or Cold: hot

1 thing you want to do before you die:
climb a mountain with Darren

(I stole this list from Nesa's blog. Thanks, Nesa!)

BLOG CHALLENGE: Dear Cupid

I don't need no fancy things.
No necklaces, no diamond rings.

Don't need Whitman's Chocolate Sampler.
(My butt don't need to be more ampler!)

No fancy fondue dinner out;
That's not what Valentine's about.

No, Cupid, all the hype and such,
It really don't excite me much.

It's the little things! And I ain't lyin'.
Take lessons from this boy named Brian:

(He's Dani's boyfriend. Super sweet.)
He surprised her with a breakfast treat

On Saturday, by stopping by
and deliv'ring to his sweetie pie

A bag of donuts. Chocolate glaze.
Dani gave him a loving gaze

While I said, "Hey! You're not the bomb.
Did you forget about the MOM?"

His quick reply: "You're on a diet."
That kid is really quite a riot.

But anyway. The deal is this:
Surprises equal spousal bliss.

So Cupid, tell my sweetie dear.
Whisper this into his ear:

The little things will melt my heart.
A hand-signed card is a good start.

Or a letter that comfirms for me
He'll love me for eternity.

But if he wants to spend some dough
Here's a little something he should know:

There's a sale. At Macy's, see.
By one and you get one FREE!

I'd like a mix of Tangerine,
Scarlet, Peacock, Shamrock Green,

And round it out with Sunflower, pet.
Has Darren won the lotto yet?

the challenge:
This week's challenge is brought to you unwittingly by PeggyD and Christina's Creative. (If you've been reading NSBR this morning, you'll know what i mean after you read my blog.)Write a letter to Cupid.Say what's on your mind about Valentine's Day.Is it a bunch of bunk?Another chance for Hallmark to make some money?Are you a romantic at heart?Do you have hints for your Valentine?Do you have a Valentine's memory to reminisce about?Dear Cupid....

BLOG CHALLENGE: First

These questions were posed by my friend Cara, who realllly wants me to answer them. What - is she tryin' to dig up dirt on me or somethin'? I guess there goes my write-in ballot chances for 2008. Rats.

When was the first time you...

...fell in love ?
I was in 2nd grade, and Kyle was in 3rd. My crush lasted for years and years. I remember in 4th grade being paralyzed and speechless when he ended up at the lunch table sitting across from me. In 6th grade, I wrote his name all over the inside of my closet walls, but I misspelled it and wrote it in Kingergarten-print, just in case my parents saw it and got mad. I could say I'd done it YEARS ago. LOL! By the time we were in high school, we were really good friends, and remained so into college at UNT. I still had it BAD for him; I always did, I suppose, up until the day he died. Brain aneurysm. He was 22.

...lost someone close to you?
Elaine. I was 17. When school let out, she had a slumber party at her parents' lake house, but she was tired and lathargic the whole time... SO unlike my bouncy, bubby, always energetic friend. The following Monday, she was diagnosed with leukemia. She died 5 weeks later.

...drank alcohol?
I was 16, I think. Possibly 15. It was on the golf course at night, sitting on a bridge over a little creek, and the drink of choice was a bottle of 3-dollar port. I drank the whole thing and then barfed it up into the stream below. It's probably why I dislike wine - even good wine - so much to this day.

...got kissed?
Aren't girls supposed to remember this stuff? I don't. I remember my first french kiss, though. Jeff P, on that same golf course. I lost one of my Mom's pearl earrings that night and got in SO much trouble.

...went to the hospital?
I was a senior in high school, and had been bitten by a brown recluse. School nurse wouldn't let my drive in case I had some weird reaction from the bite, so my Mommy had to come pick me up and take me. In my 17-year old maturity, I thought that was the lamest thing EVER. The doctor drained the poison and gave me antibiotics. I have a small scar where the spider bit me.

...lost a pet?
Jasper was our collie. He loved to chase cars. We lived in a tiny rural Kansas town back then (I was 5), and he always chased OUR car when we went to the community pool. He got under our tires. I will never forget it. Dad buried him in our backyard.

...got your heart broken?
When I was in college, my parents sent my troubled youngest brother away to live with his biological father. My heart never ached as it did that weekend. I begged and begged for them to just let him move in with me at college, but in their wisdom, they wouldn't hear of it. It took me a long time to forgive them for sending him away. Honestly, I don't know if all of me really has.

...smoked a cigarette?
In college, sitting outside my dorm room door in the hallway of Kerr Hall. Menthol. Did it to impress a boy (KYLE!). Backfired. He said, "Since when did YOU start smoking?"... and I could tell he was disappointed in me. :(

...broke a bone?
I never have!

...got a job?
When I was 15, I started working in the concession stand at the movies. LOVED that job, 'cause I got to see all my friends when they came in, and I got into the movies for free when I wasn't working. Totally cool job. My Dad made me quit after a few months because he got tired of it interfering with the family's weekend activities. For years and years, I had a scar on my forearm from burning it on the popcorn kettle, but I just looked and it must have finally faded away!

...got cheated on?
Ya know, I don't think I ever got cheated on. I dated a lot in high school and college, but only had a few serious relationships. If one of those guys cheated on me, I never knew it.

...rode the city bus?
Summer of 1990, on a trip with college friends in Seattle. It was one of those "accordion" buses and I thought it was so cool.

...went to a concert?
I can't remember which one came first - Journey with Jeff S, Rod and Kristina (my Dad drove us to Dallas and waited 'til the concert was over to take us home), or Steppenwolf and The Guess Who with Jeff T and his friends. Jeff T was 10 years older than me, and went to our church. I was shocked that my parents let me go when he asked!

...met someone famous?
I really don't know. It was probably Steven Curtis Chapman in the mid-90s.

...dyed your hair?
Does Sun-In in the '80s count? First bottle do-it-yourself job was early '90s - auburn. LOVED it. First professional job was late '90s - again, auburn, with lowlights and highlights. Darren loves it when my hair is red!

...got your own cell phone?
Christmas 2000. Aidan was a tiny baby. We were at my parents' house in Oklahoma for Christmas and something started ringing under the tree. I finally figured out that it was one of my presents! Darren had charged the phone and given the number to my best friend back in Fort Worth (HI KAREN K!), and told her when to call. :)

...got a myspace?
Last spring, I think. Maybe summer. And only so I could get email updates when my friend Luke updates his site. I never go to my page, except when someone invites me to be their friend - gotta log in to say yes. :)

...snuck out the house?
8th grade. Sherilyn and I snuck out of her parents' house, then tiptoed to the backyard to steal toilet paper from the camper. Then we walked down the road and wrapped the chief of police's house! Funny thing is, her college-aged brothers were "babysitting" us, but were so absorbed in UT baseball on TV that we didn't need to sneak out. We could've just announced our plans and they wouldn't have blinked an eye.

...drove a car?
I was about 11 or 12. Started driving Dad's truck when we'd go out to "the farm" - our 15 acres out in the country where we raised pigs, cattle and vegetables. Me driving the truck made it easier for Dad to throw hay bales, haul water, etc.

...got your own digital camera?
Three years ago, when we started looking to buy our first house, we decided to get a digital camera so we could remember the differences in each house when we got home. I'm still using that same Camera - a Canon PowerShot A80. It's been a real workhorse, taking thousands and thousands of shots, riding around in my purse everyday. Part of it is held together with scotch tape now, but it still works perfectly. I still have my trusty Canon Rebel packed away... gathering dust... feeling lonely. I'm so spoiled to the instant gratification of digital now, I don't know that I'll ever go back to film, even though I dearly love the photos that my old Rebel took! A digital Rebel is on my dream list.

How old are you now?
37

the challenge:
This challenge is brought to you courtesy of my friend Cara, who for some reason reallllllly wanted me to answer these questions on my blog.

BLOG CHALLENGE: 16th Anniversary in California

This past weekend, Darren and I celebrated our 16th Anniversary in California. We toured the Gold Country and spent a day driving around Lake Tahoe. Getting away once a year has become a tradition for us. Sometimes, getting away has simply meant closing our bedroom door and leaving Cheerios out for the kids. LOL! But some years, it has meant leaving town and all worries behind. This was one such year.

It was a last minute trip, made perfect by last minute plans accomodated by friends who are as spontaneous and fun-loving as we are. Our friends Nancy and Norm & Martha and Greg made the weekend spectacular. From the comforts of Chez Martha to the day trips by Nancy in the Jetta, our weekend couldn't have been more perfect. I wish more people were as richly blessed with friends as we are. The world would truly be a better place!

I'd marry Darren again in a heartbeat.
Happy, fulfilled, warm, cherished, adored, appreciated, valued, and heck... even sexy. Yah, that. ME. I felt all those things this weekend. But the most glorious thing of all? I feel all those things almost daily. Me and Darren. We love hanging out with each other, and we enjoy the same people and activities. He's my best friend, and was before we ever fell in love. And that has made all the difference. :)

the challenge:
I've been wanting to do this challenge for a while now. I'm glad I kept putting it off, 'cause this was the perfect set of pictures to use for it!Here's your challenge: choose a group of photos and make a slide show! Choose key photos from a single event, or showcase a collage of photos from all over the place. It doesn't matter! But choose a grouping of photos and tie them together somehow with a story or an essay or a letter.TO make your slideshow, go to www.slide.com and set up an account. It's free, fast and EASY. Follow the detailed instructions and upload your photos directly from your harddrive or camera. Slide.com will give you the code to copy and paste into your blog - just choose the blog interface you use. (Blogger, MySpace, Typepad, etc.) - and will tell you exactly where to paste it.

BLOG CHALLENGE: beautiful

I spent this past weekend in a cozy cottage with 15 beautiful women. Some of us are poor, some of us aren't. Some of us are black, some of us are white. Some of us are mothers, some of us are grandmas, some of us are aunties. Some of us wear our hearts on our sleeves, some of us bottle everything up. All of us are beautiful.

There was an incident Saturday night. Fists flew, tempers raged, hateful words were unleashed. Some of us used our strength to fight, some of us used our strength to put a stop to it.

At some point through it all, one of us opened the Bible and began reading. Under the din of the cursing and fighting and crying, she read. Her voice was a cool ointment on the wounds in our hearts. I didn't hear every word she read. Sometimes I was focused on the Retaliator - pleading, bargaining, encouraging. Other times I was focused on the Instigator - questioning, calming, crying.

But I heard The Voice - an undercurrent of steadiness and truth beneath crashing waves of fear and rebellion. I heard the voice - even-toned and submissive to The Word. Sometimes The Voice shook with emotion, sometimes it ached with longing, sometimes it whispered in prayer. Always, The Voice was solemn and mournful, broken and aching. Psalm 39: 12:
"Hear my prayer, O LORD,
listen to my cry for help;
be not deaf to my weeping.
For I dwell with you as an alien,
a stranger, as all my fathers were."

Suddenly, the tone changed, and I looked over. Her face was lit up from within. She smiled as she read, and her eyes danced across the text. Her voice was alive with joy and hope and eager anticipation. She read of Heaven and the angels and peace that passes all understanding.

I wept. In that moment, I understood what it meant to "pray the Word".

Some of us went to bed that night broken and repentant. Some of us went to bed confused and angry. Some of us gathered to pray for peace and forgiveness and inner strength and wisdom.

All of us woke up Sunday morning refreshed.
The cloud that hung over the cottage on Saturday night had passed.
Forgiveness and acceptance and grace slowly pushed out the resentment and pain and filled their voids.

I won't remember this weekend for The Fight.
I won't remember it for the scrapbooking.
I won't remember it for the gourmet meals, the laughter, the games.

I'll remember it for the beauty of God's Word, and the transformation it brought about. I've always loved the sentiment of the lyics to Jeremy Camp's "Beautiful One". After this weekend, I can sing it and fully, completely, totally understand it. I can sing it not because I appreciate the idea of God's beauty, but because I've SEEN it. I've been transformed by it. I've lived it. It is. He is. Beautiful.

Wonderful, so wonderful
Is your unfailing love
Your cross has spoken mercy over me
No eye has seen no ear has heard
No heart could fully know
How glorious, how beautiful you are.

Beautiful one I love
Beautiful one I adore
Beautiful one my soul must sing.

Powerful so powerful
Your glory fills the skies
Your mighty works displayed for all to see (beautiful)
The beauty of your majesty
Awakes my heart to see
How marvelous how wonderful you are.

Beautiful one I love
Beautiful one I adore
Beautiful one my soul must sing
Beautiful one I love you
Beautiful one I adore
Beautiful one my soul must sing.

You opened my eyes to your wonders anew
You captured my heart with this love
Because nothing on Earth is as beautiful as you (Jesus)
You opened my eyes to your wonders anew
You captured my heart with this love
Because nothing on Earth is as beautiful as you.

Beautiful one I love you
Beautiful one I adore
Beautiful one my soul must sing
Beautiful one I love you
Beautiful one I adore
Beautiful one my soul must sing.

And you opened my eyes to your wonders anew
You captured my heart with this love
Because nothing on earth is as beautiful as you.

My soul, my soul must sing,
My soul, my soul must sing,
My soul, my soul must sing,
Beautiful One.

the challenge:
What defines beauty in your life?Look up the definition.Think about what "beautiful" means to you.Write about it.Maybe it's a person whose inner beauty inspires you.Perhaps it's a person whose outer beauty transfixes you.Maybe it's the mountains and waterfalls.Snow, icicles, glistening wintertime landscapes.Beaches, crashing surf, the endless horizon.Maybe "beautiful" to you is something no one else would see or understand. Maybe it's something you aspire to be. Maybe it's the look you see in your child's eyes.Whatever it is, be introspective and allow yourself to write from the heart on this one. Write it for YOU, not for your audience.Go. Write. Be beautiful!